Pictures Worth A Thousand Words

Chapter 1

 I don't feel anything anymore. 

I gave up on that a long time ago.

  I'm emotionally numb.

 I can't see the good in people, i can't feel love or pain or anything.

 I guess i just was meant to do this.

To feel empty.

To be emotionally blocked from the world.

That all changed with him. He made me feel loved and safe. He was so beautiful, like a flower just blooming in spring. His voice gave me the drink of lust. His personality was cool like the ocean.

but, but why does it hurt so much to be with him. It makes my heart ache and my body tired.

 Is it because he is such a beautiful person. 

Is it because i know i would never be right for him no matter how hard i try to understand his lifestyle.

or is it because i so incapable of feeling that it has taken over my body and pushed me out of my limits, out of my control.  

Why is it so hard feeling things for another person that i thought i really cared about.

 Why is it so hard for me to understand what he is going though, to be there for him.

I cry myself to sleep at night thinking im not loved and not cared for. But doesnt everyone go through that "phase".

Its to easy to name something as a "phase" these days knowing something is wrong and is trying to reach out for help. But, me i reached out and look where it got me, in a hole of despair, desperation and loneliness. 

A story always come with two point of views. Not everyone thinks to see the other side of what the think or belive is true.

Same goes for pictures. 

One can be capturing the moment when th e other is really embracing it If you know what  I mean if i make any sense.

what i mean to say is that there is one person who doesnt care for the moment and others who will care and think of it as an life changing experience.

Do i make anymore sense then i did before . If not oh well. Something to think about.

Now lets carry on.

The beautiful boy was perfect. He was everything i would see in as an ideal type. Dont get me wrong he had his flaws but thats what made him beautiful.

He was different from me. A lot different.  but it didnt stop me. i tried to get his attention it didnt work , after months i gave up.

After that we never saw each other again. 

He was someone i felt i could talk to,  to go to whenever i needed something. And that feeling was the best feeling in my entire life. Without being misunderstood and judge and pressured all the time. I felt free when i was with him.

Some say its better to let go instead of holding on. But that satisfaction of letting go disappears within seconds. That small twinkle of happiness goes away in an instant, then you are left with the unbearable pain of a broken heart.

Just imagine every thought in your mind crumbling and fading away slowly as your heart begins to race fast and faster thinking if it sped up it would help recover. The feeling of everything you eat , tasted so bland that you want to throw it up. Feeling  so numb to the point, where you dont know if you exist anymore. Crying until your voice get hoarse and you run out of tears. That feeling is like all the pain in the world crumbling on you within seconds. Thats the true feeling of a broken heart. But thats only after the second of happiness is over.

Just wait until it settles in. God knows what will become of me.

- Octavia Bay