adopted | dancemoms

20. pain

"my little happy pill took me places i couldnt go before
the adventures i took with it made me long for more.
it was my escape from reality,
my escape from life.
it brought me joy and happiness,
it really felt nice.
but i wanted more,
more than just that.
so i took more happy pills and suddenly cracked.

oh how i loved my little happy pills
and oh how they loved me,
i could never be loved like that
in reality."

Chapter 20- pouring rain.

Its been 2 years.
2 years since ive left the abby lee dance company and ratted them out. Its been 2 years since I got Abby and Melissa into jail for "child abuse".
Its been 2 years since ive been in this orphanage since i was adopted. I honestly dont quite care for a family anymore.

I sat here for 2 years watching everybody around me. Focusing on their life rather than mine.
I had no friends though, because the kids here think im crazy.

Im 15 now.
I miss hayes to death. I heard he got a new girlfriend too.
Mackenzie is now bestfriends with this girl named Brynn and theres a whole new Abby Lee Dance Team.
Maddie,
Mackenzie,
Kalani,
Kendall,
Nia,
Jojo,
and Brynn.

They're on a TV show now called "Dancemoms".
In fact, I watch it every Tuesday.
I bet they're mad at me for what I did.
but if they were me, I bet they wouldve done the same thing.

I probably should feel guilty right now, and i do. I regret that day but in a way, I didnt.

Im probably never going to be adopted.
Im probably gonne just grow till' im 18 then be kicked out and live on the streets.
Im fine with that though, because i want to die.

My emotions are bottling up in a dark grey cloud everyday and one day, i just wont be able to take it any longer and just pour.

everytime i try to kill myself, i just cant.
i try i try but i cant.
i come close, but not close enough.

its like wanting to touch a bee but you dont because you know you'll be hurt from it.
so you hesitate.

I hesitate all the time.

but im trying not to.

so i take pills.
because its easy and half the time, it makes me feel better instead of worse!

lol i know it sounds dumb but i cant help it.

i miss hayes.
and mackenzie, and chloe, and maddie and all of them.
but because of what i did, i will probably never be forgivin.

I had so many chances to become close with them , even after I was kidnapped. But i let those chances slip away.

why was I like that? why was i so selfish and blinded about what was really going on around me. why did i only focus on the negative and let that impact me.

sure ive made dumb mistakes in my life, but nevet as dumb as this one.

lmao why am i even talking to myself?

an:
i made that poem and everything so please do not steal it.
im trying to update but i have no chappie ideas!!
pm me ideas for faster updates :)

~leah