Want | A.C.M |

8.

/Austin/

8. And You Ruined It...

I sit on my bed thinking over everything I heard Parker say. I don't want her to end what we have, but at the same time I can tell she's hurting and I don't want her to be in pain because of me. I care about her so much, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her, but I can't give her what she wants. And until I can, I'm going to try and keep her around for as long as possible.

I get off of my bed and walk into her room, seeing her laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Headphones fill her ears, so she can't hear me as I walk over to her, and she jumps slightly when I place my hand on her shoulder.

"Jesus, what the hell are you doing?" She places a hand over her chest.

"For the millionth time Parks, call me Austin. Jesus is my stage name" I tease and she rolls her eyes, sitting up.

"What do you want Austin?"

"Go for a walk with me" I say as more of a command, rather than a question yet she still thinks over her answer. It had always been our thing, we'd both be worried about a falling out so we asked to take a walk. Somehow it always seemed to fix things, and I hope this will be fixed "We can get food and sit on the beach and stuff, just- I need to talk to you" I sigh, and she looks at me through her lashes and nods.

"Okay" She mumbles as she climbs out of bed. She puts on a pair of flip flops and a hoodie, grabbing her phone and dorm key, and we walk out of her room.

"So, where do you want to eat?" I ask after a long, silence filled walk down the steps and outside of the residence hall.

"I don't care" She shrugs "Anything works for me"

"Let's go get sandwiches" I pull her towards the sub shop on campus, ordering us two subs and getting two bottles of water. We walk down to the beach, my choice in time to do this not the best considering it's going to be dark soon. I sit down in the sand, Parker sitting down next to me, unraveling her sub.

"How'd that play go?" I ask, and she shrugs.

"He hasn't graded them but I'm sure I did fine"

"You mean I did fine?" I laugh.

"I mean, shut up" She smacks my shoulder "I did it, and it was bomb"

"You were a great supervisor" I tease, and she laughs.

"As long as I was great, that's all that matters"

"When am I not great?" She flips her hair over her shoulder.

"Well-"

"Don't even answer that" She holds up her hand, cutting me off and I laugh.

"I was going to say never anyways"

"Sure you were" She drawls out, sliding the second half of her sub into her bag, and putting it into the pocket of her hoodie. She scoots a little closer to me, wrapping her arms around my left one, her head leaning on my shoulder. I kiss her forehead lightly and she smiles, her thumb rubbing circles on my arm.

"You're perfect" I whisper, her nose brushing against my cheek. She stays quiet, but I can feel her tongue slide up my cheek and she pulls away with a grimace "And you ruined it" I wipe at me cheek.

"I don't know why I did that" She squeezes her eyes shut, shaking her head.

"I don't either" I chuckle "But don't worry about it" I stand up, holding out my hands for her to take "Take a walk with me"

"Okay" She nods, sliding her pinky through mine "So, what's you want to talk about?" She asks, swinging our hands back and forth.

"I want to say us, but does that sound too... Much?" I trail off "I don't think much is the word I'm looking for but you know what I mean"

"Yeah, I do" I nod "What about us?" She asks, putting emphasis on us.

"I just want to know where your heads at. You know I care about you, and I know I can't give you what you want right now, but that doesn't mean I never will"

"But that's the thing, how long is right now?" She asks rhetorically "Right now could be an eternity and I can't handle that. You know how I feel about you, you've known for a long time, but I can't wait forever for you. Especially when I have a boyfriend that's willing to be with me forever" She sighs.

"I know" I nod "And I don't know how to change your mind"

"I'm going after what I need Austin, not what I want" She states.

"But what you need isn't going to make you feel what you want. If you go for something you need, rather than want, you'll be bored, but if you go for something you want, then you won't. It's that simple" I shrug.

"But it's not that simple" She shakes her head "What I want would never last as long as what I need, and that's just common sense"

"We've lasted this long, you can't deny there won't always be something between us. It'll always be there, no matter what"

"Austin, you don't understand. I need commitment. I need someone to tell me I'm their one and only. Do you know how it feels to feel so much for someone, then see they're telling someone else the same thing they're telling you. It hurts, so bad" She shakily sighs "That hurt me so bad"

"I know" I nod "I just wasn't thinking. I figured you had a boyfriend so it as the same thing"

"And that's why I ended it in the first place. I didn't want anyone to feel that way. But here I am, doing it all over again. It's a vicious cycle that will only tear us apart in the end and I don't think I can endure it again" She shakes her head.

"But we don't have to, I know you'll probably never believe me. But I feel so much for you, and I don't want this to stop"

"Of course you don't" She clips "It's because you're selfish and you only care about you're feelings, no one else matters. As long as you don't get hurt, there's no problem" She jabs a finger into my chest.

"I am selfish" I agree "But it's because I want you to myself, I don't want to have to share you with someone else. I always have this thought in my head you're going to leave me. Little did you know you weren't the only one that was hurt. I was too, I didn't want it to end. I don't want it to end now, I just want you"

"Austin-"

"Don't leave me again, please" I beg, and she sighs.

"Okay"

---

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