19 FLOORS UP

Remember Not To Forget

She giggled. I love how she giggled and how she smiled and was always so annoyingly full of energy but that was Elsie always playful and happy and blissful. I stared at her as she ran across the door from the stairwell into the bright light outside. She always ran ahead of me just to get to the top and yell 'I'm the winner.' It gave her so much joy. It felt like I missed everything. Every annoying thing little sisters do to make you mad. I loved it all now...in my head there was nothing more I'd rather have right now than an annoying little sister to yell at but I laughed slightly teary. It was taking a lot of me not to cry. I was afraid of going out there but I always found myself walking through that door onto the roof. The dreams had become more vivid and were longer and although part of me knew I was dreaming it never felt like it was ever less real or even less painful.  I had had the nightmares a long time ago...before all the booze and the cigarettes. I still remembered how bad it had been in high school. My mom was always passed out to notice so no one remembers the screams at odd hours of the night or how tired I had always been for weeks. Even I admit I had forgotten about it for a while but now I remembered how bad it had been because they weren't going away. I'd have two or three days of dreamless nights and even then I slept uneasy or barely at all.

I needed a smoke. Out of all the things I was used to taking, cigarettes were my number one shame. I knew about cancer. We all knew that one guy or girl who had cancer...it didn't matter which type it was, it always made me second guess my smoking habits. There had been a kid in Mecha who dropped out and I felt some sort of guilt knowing I had been smoking for years and so far no lethal disease had hit me. Yet here I was craving that stick like it would make everything better. Maybe it would. Or at least less worse. My mind had wandered again and I lost sight of her. 

The roof always started out foggy then I lose track of Els. The urge to smoke was then usually replaced by the fear. I walk out further out and remembered running ahead of her and unto the ledge when I was a kid where I balanced almost perfectly.  I always wondered if she felt as triumph beating me to the roof as I did when I went up there and shouted back  back 'No. I am.' That probably must have set her off. The endless taunts. I stopped and took a step back. It didn't feel like a victory going up there anymore. 

I bumped into something and span around frantically. Elsie smiled up at me.

 Lord I miss that little girl's smile. 

"It's okay Claire." She prompted me to go ahead. I burst into tears and held her tightly. I had been through this before and it always ended the same way no matter how much I tried to stop it from happening.

"Just give me a minute Els okay. Just give me one minute so I can just look at you before..."

She nodded as if to understand. I took a deep breathe and just stood there saying nothing. I didn't know what to say. I had spent so many years trying not to say anything about her and even though it sounds silly...to her.

"How's Mom?" She offered to speak fast and I felt so grateful to hear her voice saying real word. Talking to me. 

I laughed slightly wiping away the tears knowing this was a figment of my own thoughts and I already knew the answer to that, "Mom's a mess. Dad's even worse...he blames me you know. Hell, he's probably.."

"No he's not." She took my hand and smiled, "You look like a mess too."

I laughed really hard this time. Thank you conscious .

"Yeah, I know." I suddenly realized I was in the same clothes I was in when I tried to kill myself back in Uni. My hair was a mess and I was just as old as I should be but Els was still as old I last saw her. In that green sundress with Lilly s  painted on them. It was her favorite dress. She looked beautiful in it and it only made me more sad remembering how she said she knew her pretty a Lilly must have felt. Dad had gotten it from a designer friend Ava. It had been a big deal for Elsie. It had been a big deal for me too. I hadn't gotten a designer dress from anyone but that felt like it mattered less now. I was just glad she was her even in the designer dress.