TSZ Magazine: July 2016 (Issue #2)

Ryan Rants: It's Not Beautiful

Warning: Opinion Article

by Ryan (@ryansgalaxy)

Now, as some of you may know, I work for a campaign called NoMoreScars.  Redid the design for everything too, those book covers and that new sticker is all mine.  But, the point of that campaign is to show how self harm is often made a subject of romance in books and such, which is completely unacceptable, not to mention triggering for young minds who think that's the way to get someone's attention.  Disgusting, revolting, and definitely NOT ROMANTIC.  So why do people keep doing it?  Writing about the classic 'boy kissing her scars' 'she's such a tragic soul' kind of thing?

Self harm is the act of intentionally hurting yourself in some way.  It's exactly as it sounds.  But there's still so many misconceptions to self harm, starting with what exactly it is.  Cutting isn't the only way to self harm.  There's intentionally starving or purging.  Or burning yourself.  It can even be mental, like repeatedly telling yourself you're dumb, not worth it, etc.  I know I'm guilty of that, as are a lot of people who wouldn't normally have thought of that as a method of self harm.

Self harm is an addiction.  Like doing drugs.  Or smoking cigarettes.  Or alcoholism.  And self harm is just as serious and shouldn't be taken lightly.  Alcoholism, drugs, they ruin families.  Self harm can do that too.  Nobody wants to see someone they love shipped off to a psych ward or mental hospital, just like nobody wants to see someone they love shipped off to rehab.  Self harm is still something you do to yourself, like drinking till you can't stand or getting high beyond understanding.  This is a serious matter and if you know someone who's going through that, you need to tell someone.  If not, it'll just get worse and lead to something worse.  Suicide is often the result.  Many people who self harm think nobody cares.  Nobody's there for them or would care if they just ended it.  If you're looking for a wake-up call and know someone who self harms or struggling with it yourself, here it is.  Tell someone.

Now here's why I'm really here.  As an admin for nomorescars, it's pretty much my duty to drill it into everyone's mind how self harm isn't pretty.  Actually, it's pretty f**kin' gross if you ask me.  And yes, this is coming from someone who has gone through this stuff.  Self harm sucks, putting it modestly.  The fact that someone was pushed to the limit that the only one they blame is themselves is revolting.  People do it for a variety of reasons, including, but certainly not limited to:

-feeling in control.  The victim needs to feel pain because they feel so numb.

-self-punishment.  The victim only notices their flaws and weaknesses and feel virtually worthless, but nobody notices and so they must reprimand themself.

-trauma/abuse.  The victim has been abused sexually/physically/emotionally and use self harm to relieve the pain.

-low self-esteem or poor body image.  The victim feels insecure in their own body and will intentionally attempt to alter it.  This includes anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and body dysmorphic.

-neglect.  The victim receives no attention from the important people in life and they take it out on themselves or to get a reaction from others.

-communication issues.  The victim can't talk about how they feel and use self harm as a way to take their anger out instead of talking about it.

Okay, those are all reasons.  And there are other reasons too.  But the point is that people do this for bad, bad reasons.  It's not romantic.  So why do people continue to romanticize self harm and suicide in literature?

Sadness is beautiful.  At least, according to our internet culture, it is.  People who have only felt a hint of depression.  Who don't deal with it daily.  These are the people who find self harm interesting.  Why?  It's something they haven't really experienced.  

Self harm is beautiful, except it really isn't.  "She cuts herself because she is sad.  She lost her parents.  She has no friends.  She is suicidal, and thus, has caught my attention.  I am in love with her and will give her a reason to stay."  What the f**k.  I can point out so many things wrong with this, starting with sadness is not fun.  Take my word for it, to those who haven't really gone through it.  Losing your parents isn't fun either.  Foster care isn't fun.  Nor is having to live with other family members because you lost your parents, especially if you had close ties with them.  How is that f**king romantic?  She has no friends.  This can be caused because she either pushes them away or is bullied out of them.  Neither may be her fault either.  If she pushes them away, she's had bad experiences.  Again, how's that romantic?  Or if they bully her out of having friends, well, I'll leave the math up to you.  Romanticizing suicide is like, the ultimate insult.  Death is never romantic.  Someone hated themselves, felt so worthless, they felt like they had to wipe their existence off this earth, and you think that's f**king beautiful?  It's not, I'll say that for the least.  And lastly, but certainly not least, the narrator has no idea what they are saying when they say "I'll be there for this romantically suicidal, tragic soul, and I'll give her a reason to stay."  You have no idea what you're signing up for, buddy.  You can't be the reason a suicidal person stays, you need to show them there are other things worth sticking around for.  Volunteering yourself to be a suicidal person's anchor is like a one-way ticket to hell.  It sucks.  And I'm not telling you this from the perspective of someone who had to deal with a suicidal person, oh no.  I'm telling you from the perspective of someone who was suicidal and had people deal with their crap.  People put up with me for months.  I'll tell you a story.

I had a boyfriend.  Loved him so much.  But he was pretty much my anchor.  That made it hard for him to leave me even though he was unhappy in the relationship.  I was only getting worse and worse.  Finally, he had the courage and got up and left me.  Of course, that made me hate myself even more, and I'll admit, his timing wasn't very well, but I respect that I left him with no choice but to get up and leave for his sake.  And I respect that he had enough self respect to dump my a**.  I shouldn't have made him my anchor and I should have developed a filter on what I said.  He didn't need to hear every little self-depreciating thing that came out of my mouth.  I put myself down for fun, because I didn't know how else to deal with my feelings.  I made him my anchor and he left.  What'd I do then?

Well, I relapsed self harm.  And admittedly got into drugs and alcohol to make the pain go away.  Desperately searched for ways to make the hurt go away.  It's been nearly four months and nothing's gotten better.  Cutting doesn't help, drugs and alcohol doesn't help.  I lost many friends as well.  When I say how I feel or some of the things I think, a friend of mine openly tells me that not only what I'm saying is bats**t crazy, but that I need to go to a therapist.  I'm making a mess out of my life.  My grades are dropping.  I fantasize about how much better things would be if I wasn't alive, how everyone's life would be better.  That's not f**king beautiful, is it?

Moral of the story: self harm is real and it's not pretty.  It's not an object of romance you can put in your story because it's not beautiful.  There are no tragic souls or kissing your scars better, that's not how it works.  Spread this message around like wildfire.  End romantic self harming.

Thanks for listening to me rant.  See you all next month!