Story Of Another Me

In my bones

Dear Stanger,

Yesterday my whole body was in pain. Not just my body though, it was also my mind that was in pain. I could barely move all day in school. Then in the bus an elderly lady removed her handbag from the oppposite seat so i could sit down. It kinda saved me. I don't know if I had made it home just because I was so, so tired. If I knew who she was, I would buy her flowers. I was just so thankful to sit down. From school I walk about ten minutes to the bus station. In those ten minutes everything hurted from head to toe. And i wanted to start crying because oft he pain. The worst thing about it is that I know that it's all in my head. The pain is all in my head.

I met the fortune teller again. She looked at me and said: You need to look after yourself. When you don't start doing that they will have to hospitalize you.

And it's true. I met her a few weeks ago and I feel it. I feel like I really need to be hospitalized.

And all this medication and love around me makes me sick. I hate the medication I take, it makes me sleep but doesn't help in any other way. At the begin I just wanted to take the medication because I thought it will help my concentration-problems and that would automatically make everything easier in school and from this it follows that life would be easier. At the moment I have school holidays but in a few weeks I have to go back to school and all I felt this summer so far is anxiety. Nothing but anxiety. And all this people around me who love me. They trap me, because they're the reason I don't kill myself. Although I think I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I would probably just drop out of school and go somewhere and look for a job. I'm convinced even if I would do so, I would still not be happy. 

It's the depression. It's nothing but a trap.

Lots of love, Casta