College Fiend [A$AP Rocky]

Twenty-three

I wanted to go home, to get in a cab and tell the driver where to take me. And when I got there, I wanted to just close my eyes and relax and never wake up.

You don’t realize how easy and appealing death is until you’re closer to it than you’ve ever been. Sheena made it look so easy: just open the window and fall. The fall will hurt, but I’d only feel the pain for so long before slipping into oblivion. I could do it right now if I’d wanted to.

But then again, I couldn’t. Quincy was sitting right next to me on the bed with his arm around me, and his warmth against mine felt too good. I didn’t want to move from him. And even more importantly, I couldn’t stand killing myself with him anywhere near. He was too strong to see me go weak. That’s all I ever wanted to show him, that I was as strong and smart as him or even more.

“Your hair’s so soft,” He whispered into my ear. His warm lips touched mine, and I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn’t. He just rested there, stroking my hair as if he’d never seen it before.

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” I smiled. Quincy chuckled and snuggled himself closer to me. The bed was big and soft, with silk sheets and too many throw pillows. Half of them Quincy had thrown on the floor while rolling around in his sleep. Today was the first time I’d fallen asleep with him; sure, we’d slept in the same bed before, the bed in the van. During the first days of our trip, he would sleep in the driver’s seat, but as soon as he got comfortable with me, I would turn in my sleep to find him beside me. He always fell asleep after me and woke up before me.

Today, though, we fell into a nap at the same time, and woke up at the same time. The sun shined and the fan blew and our legs touched; it felt good. All of it. But at the same time, Wayne had my watch.

“Wayne has my watch.”

“What?”

“I just thought about it, and decided to tell you. I gave it to him,” I said, sitting up a bit and still leaving his head on my chest.

“Why’d you give it to him?” Quincy sat all the way up now.

“If I told you, you wouldn’t understand.” I replied. I turned my head toward the window to see the sun still blazing. We were on the second floor, so the leaves of the trees hid most of the sun, but the light still came through the trees’ openings like little darts of shine.  

“I’ll understand.”

I could hear the anger in his voice, and I regretted bringing it up. Why did I say it, anyway? Because I thought about it? Just the thought of Wayne having the watch, and why I gave it to him, dampened my mood. I didn’t want to imagine what it would do to Quincy.

“Yesterday, I felt kind of strange. I don’t know, something about you just really appealed to me. I loved you more than usual yesterday, and when I saw Wayne, I expected to feel the same way, but it didn’t happen that time. It broke my heart knowing how much he loved me and how sometimes I didn’t love him the same. So, I felt like I owed him something to make up for being a bad…girlfriend, or friend.” I explained. As I said it, it sounded silly and immature, but it was the truth.

“So that’s why you gave him the watch.”

“Yes.”

Quincy was silent for a moment; he’d moved farther away from me, just a few inches. I wanted his warmth again, to feel his arm around me and his lips against my ear and his fingers running through my hair. I’d ruined it. Everything, not just this. Every day was a reminder of the major decline things had taken. After five years I thought something would get better, but it only seemed to get worse.