Nothing Less

iv

"I'm only a friend for four reasons. I'll change because of one."

iv - I'm scared

I don't know if it's just me, but maybe there's a chance you feel the same way. But do you ever get that feeling like you're falling? You're perfectly fine in reality, but somewhere, you just feel like you're falling? Or instead... drowning. You can't breathe, you're sinking to the bottom, each of your senses begin to fade out, and there's nothing you can do. Everything around you isn't in your control.

I get that feeling every time I think about all the reasons I'm just a friend. Especially this one.

Fear. That's the feeling I continuously receive whenever I stop and wonder why I can't let myself be more than something simple. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared for you, scared for myself, scared for everyone. It's not the idea I mentioned before, the one about having other people be harmed because of me. I'm not scared for that reason, but for something entirely different: I'm scared people won't be satisfied with the real me.

The reason before this, number three, I said I can keep myself distracted from my insecurities with friends. And anytime I get out of the friend zone, I'd immediately be insecure again. The ones who I'm no longer "just friends" with won't like my true self--I know it.

I think nonstop about each and every one of my insecurities and I know they get in the way of my normal thoughts. Then wouldn't that mean--if my worries keep making me slam the brakes on trying to think straight--it'd come to ruin my relationship with that person?

Before then, all they've seen is the me who's distracted, the me who forgets about my negativity and every little pessimistic thought I've had about the world. They think I'm an optimist, smiling at the most dangerous things in the universe. They think that. You think that.

You're just like them, but I can't blame you for thinking the same way they do. Isn't it just hard for you to imagine me hating myself? We're not perfect. Nobody's perfect. And you don't see me as perfect for all the reasons I've never thought of--and they're true.

"No one could be lower than the friend scale to you, and that applied to everyone. The worst part about it was that no one could be higher than that."

You now think of me as imperfect because I'm a friend to everyone, even strangers who I've never met before. I never thought of it that way, how everyone's relationship with me is already prejudged. Now that I stop and reflect on that, I guess it's actually just me. Some people don't even know we're friends yet because it's preplanned. That's when the friendship's one-sided--I assume we're friends.

Well what do you think about me, Rin, hm? Are we still friends? Or maybe I just assume that and we're actually something less. You say I'm not overprotective over you, but I am for myself by being a friend. That way I won't feel helpless, troubled, scared.

Reason four I'm a friend is because I'm overprotective of myself.