Diary of a Wannabe Cat

Entry Four

Dear Angel,

      It's Crystal once again. So picking up where I left off... summer 2013 and 9th grade...

So last summer I was feeling better, trying to get back to my old self. It was a pretty good summer, too. But, of course, it went sour at the end. Right when I started school again, my grandma (dad's mom) died. It was August 10th 2013. I remember that day quite well... *flashback time*

      It was a normal August day. I went to Hope's house to spend the night. We were planning on going to see Insidious 2. Our movie time had passed and Hope and I were wondering why we hadn't left yet, but we just shrugged it off... no big deal right? We'll just go to the next one. Apparently, though, my mom had called her mom telling her to wait to go to the movie. Ummm... what? Okayyy if you say so... A little while later, my mom called again. My mom and Hope's mom talked for a minute and then her mom came and told me that we're going to the hospital and that my grandma was "sick." What the fuck is going on?? She can't fucking be "sick"! She never gets "sick"! By that time I was starting to freak out... like really FREAK OUT. I started asking her mom all these questions... "Did my mom say anything else??" "Did she sound sad or scared or anything?!" I was hoping for the best, really hoping, but expecting the worst. I knew it'd be bad. I just knew it. But I didn't know it'd be THAT bad... as in my GRANDMA being FUCKING DEAD! So we got to the hospital after the fucking longest car ride of my life. We went in and met my dad in the lobby. He took us upstairs to this hallway and led me into a room... filled with my WHOLE. FUCKING. FAMILY. That doesn't happen, mind you. My whole family can't be in a room together without something being up. I took one look at their faces; looking down, trying to hold back tears; and my suspicions were confirmed. My dad stood behind me blocking the way out, but I fought past him. I had to get out of that room. I finally got back out into the hallway and my mom tells me, crying, "Granny had a heart attack and she died." I started crying. I felt angry, angrier than I've ever been. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. But all I did was cry. I went back into the room, went up to my grandpa, and hugged him. He's one of my two remaining grandparents. I even got some mascara on his shirt because I was still crying (oops, sorry Poppy). Everyone started to leave and so my cousin, Haley, came out of the big room and walked over to me. We took one look at each other and then hugged for what seemed like forever. I needed her more than anyone in that moment. We had a falling out when we were younger so we didn't talk for a long time. I have to admit, spending time with her that evening was pretty awkward and I didn't really know what to say to her. I went to her house and we stayed there for a few minutes. Then we went to my grandparents' house and met the whole family there. My parents and I spent the night there because someone had to stay with my grandpa and he didn't want to leave his house to stay anywhere else.

      The next few days were fucking horrible. The next Tuesday (this all started on a Saturday), was the visitation/waking/whatever the fuck you wanna call it. It was nice seeing everyone come to comfort us and I'm very grateful for all of them. At the end of the night, I finally went over to see my grandma. I couldn't bear to see her lifeless body just laying there, and I just broke down. She didn't even look like herself!!!! Apparently she had suffered a lot of trauma when the doctors tried to revive her, so her face and neck were all swelled up. She also had this gash mark on her cheek because she apparently fell onto the corner of the back of a chair when she had the heart attack. That night ended with my dad being frustrated with me, and me being frustrated with "God." I tried talking to my dad about "God" and everything because I was starting to believe that there is no god. My dad didn't want any of that so he starting yelling at me. He tried using the "guilt card" by saying "Granny would spank your butt if she were here!" I really wanted to yell at him right back saying "WELL GRANNY ISN'T HERE! IF SHE WERE HERE I WOULD STILL BELIEVE IN GOD!" He made me pretty mad that night. The next day was even harder, it was the day of the funeral. I'd never been to a funeral before so I didn't know what to expect. It was horrible by the way. I started crying right when I got there (I cried literally the whole time). Before I knew it, she was in the mausoleum and it was over.

       Everything happened too fast and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It's like one day I have a loving grandma that I can go to whenever I need love and support, and the next day she's gone from this world. I feel really guilty because I feel like I didn't call her or visit her enough. Just a message to anyone that reads this, if your grandparents (and parents) are still with you, please PLEASE! don't take them for granted. Talk to them often and let them know that you love them. They'll be gone before you know it so spend as much time with them while they're here.

Yours truly,

Crystal

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Sorry if this chapter doesn't make very much sense. I just really wanted to get my feelings out because I feel like I've been holding them in for too long.