Diary of a Wannabe Cat

Entry Five

My dearest Angel,

       It's been three months since "the incident." Ever since my grandma died, I've felt lonely, depressed, angry, and even suicidal when that first happened. I just feel so unhappy. I had sleeping problems for a while and that sucked. I've been having these anxiety attacks over what I later think is nothing (this started just recently). I have really bad body image and self-esteem issues. I try not to eat anything in hopes of getting skinny but my mom gets suspicious when I don't eat. I pile on the makeup and fix my hair until it's perfect every time I go somewhere because I feel ugly without all of it. Sometimes if I feel really bad, I cut myself.

       I don't tell people any of this (especially the cutting part) because I don't want them to think I'm crazy or, even worse, doing this for attention. Because I'm not. I'm just telling you about it because I really need to get my feelings organized. This is sort of helping by the way- writing all of this down. I just really don't know want to feel. I might be depressed but then again that might be an exaggeration.

       I try to act happy and cheerful around people, for their sake, but as soon as I'm not around anyone, I feel horrible. Every little thing becomes a big deal. I just really wish this all could just end. I want to actually be happy. I don't want it to be an act. And I want to be happy all the time. I just...don't know anymore. 

      Well I've caught you up so now I guess I'll just write when something new happens.

-Crystal