Austin's Second Bio xD

Idfk...

I wrote this once but while i was posting it, it crashed and didnt say...

Not sure if i want to write what i wrote the first  time..

But i want you guys to know whats on my mind.

So i was on this antidepressants, i told you guys, i started taking them around last October, i didnt tell my mother or Kayla or anyone that i was on it, i told you guys awhile back,

But i got hit hard with depression... And i started taking antidepressants... Ive been takig it for quite awhile now..

I mean it summer now, i started in October last year...

I never told anyone, but around Winter Kayla saw me taking my pills and she asked what it was, i told her that it was to make me feel better.

I never felt sadness for 9 months now.. Nine fucking months...

But today i stopped taking them... I stopped taking them because of Kayla..

I want to be happy for her.. I want to give her my real smile.

For what feels like forever ive been giving Kayla the fakest smile... So fake Kayla could see right through it.. She knew it was a fake smile... She knew i was hurting... She knew everything...

I hate myself for taking those pills.. You wanna know why...

Because i felt nothing when i lost my mother..

I felt nothing at all

Because of those fucking meds..

It turns my sadness that i feel into fake happiness.

It makes me feel nothing when im sad, it makes me feel nothing when i want to cry.

I started feeling better around December.. But i thought nothing of it and just continued to take the pills.. Then when my mother got sick i was still taking the meds, on Kaylas 8th birthday i was taking the meds, on my fucking 18th birthday i was taking the meds...

I havent felt sadness in forever... I dont know what it feels like anymore, i dont know what it is,

I havent felt it in so damn long

I haven't cried in so long

My mother fucking died and i didnt let once single tear down, because of those fucking meds.

Today i found Kayla in her room sad.. Crying.

I sat down next to her and asked what was wrong

She said she missed mother and wanted her to come home

I told her that it was okay to cry and be sad

She looked up at me and shook her head no.

I questioned her

She said

"Its not okay to be sad... Or cry.... Because i never seen you be sad or cry before... Not once... Its not okay to be sad because my big brother hasn't cried once"

I fucking got that into her head...

I put that in her head

She thinks its not okay to cry or be sad because she hasnt seen me cry or be sad.

She doesnt think its okay to be sad
She doesn't think its okay to cry
Because of me

I dont fucking know anymore.