This Little Book of Mine

An Eternity of Drowning

It's hard to find someone who understands what you're feeling, this black void inside of you that can't be filled. It's as if you're afraid to go to the light because the darkness will pull you back.

Or maybe that black hole just sucks every bit of hope and confidence out of you. One day, you may think you finally look pretty enough to ask your crush out, but in a few hours later you think, "I can't do it. He won't love me. I'm too ugly." You build up your confidence only to have it knocked down by you.

They say we are our worst enemies. Maybe that's true. Our internal critic can severe our self-confidence until we end up hating ourselves, to the point where we feel worthless.

But that black void was created somehow. Maybe you finally snapped and tumbled down the hole because people kept telling you you weren't good enough.

"You're a fag," they said. "Bitch, cunt, asshole-"

Then it keeps growing and growing until you're drowning in your own despair. You want someone to understand you, to save you, but that knight in shining armor just doesn't come with his white stallion. You're stuck in that ditch alone without anybody to hold out a hand and pull you out.

That's when the waves of despair come crashing in. That hole is filled with black sludge and you can't breathe. You just stand there and let it all happen. What's the point of living? No one will love you. No one will save you. You want to stop breathing.

So you stop. You give up. There is no hope, no light. It's all just an illusion. There is only darkness.

Sorry about not updating in a while. I've had a lot on my mind lately. However, I decided to write this after I had made another suicide attempt two days ago. Depression sucks, you know? I feel like more people need to be aware of it. Mental illness is real. It isn't a cute quirk or a cry for attention. It's as serious as cancer, heart disease, etc. So yeah. I've got a lot of thoughts that I want to put into words right now, so stay tuned for more updates!