Striving for Perfection

January 21, 2015

 

I have been afraid to write about why I am being forced to write in this notebook and I'm being forced to go to a therapist. I have been afraid that if I write it down it will look I have a problem but I don't. I don't have a problem so I should be able to talk about what is going on in my own journal.

It started last year a few weeks before my 16th birthday I wanted a change. I was tired of being the fat freak and I wanted to do something about it. I stopped eating as much and whenever I did eat I made sure to always throw up afterwards. No one knew what I was doing and I was really good about hiding it. My friends complimented me on the weight that I lost.

Jayden was the first person to figure out what was going on. My brothers have always been protective of me so when they saw that I lost weight they got suspicious. They would ask me what I ate throughout the day. I would either lie or shrug off the question.

My mom is always busy with her job so my brothers and I always eat dinner together. One day during dinner my brothers wouldn't leave me alone until I finished the large plate of lasagna.they made more me. It was the largest dish I have eaten in long time. After dinner I ran to the bathroom to throw it up. Little did I know Jayden was waiting outside the door standing to use the restroom.

"Are you okay? " he asked when I came out.

"Yeah I'm fine, I told you guys I shouldn't have eaten all of that. " I answered

"Are you sure that it was the food that made you sick?" He asked, crossing his arms. He didn't believe me. I could see it in his eyes. Maybe he saw my lie through my eyes.

"Of course it is, what else would it be. " I reassured him.

But I didn't convince him because he told Hayden. I heard them talking about me later that night in the living room when they thought I was asleep.

"...some of the symptoms are fatigue. She's been tired a lot lately. " Jayden was saying.

"What do we do? She won't talk to us about it. " Hayden said.

They told Mom. She came into my room a few days later to ask if there was anything wrong. I reassured her that I was fine and there was nothing wrong but like Jayden I could tell that she didn't believe me so I told her part of the truth. I made it sound like I had only been doing it for a week. She cried a lot and when I tried to explain to her that I was fine she cried even more. I didn't tell her why it started, I knew that would upset her even more.

My brothers try to get me to eat more but I can't I can't bring myself to eat more than one small plate of something and I can't stop myself from throwing it up but I don't have a problem. I want them to be happy, it shatters me to see them unhappy because of me. I'm always the disappointing one.

That's enough emotional drainage for one day

Talia