Plan B

Chapter Two

As the cab wound through Toronto's streets, I considered the possibility that Datyonne could be there and whether there might, in fact,  be any truth to Jane's claims.

I  met Daytonne  for the first time a few weeks ago back when Jane and I had run into her and her friends at our local coffee place. Jane knew Clare, Mona, Gil and Daytonne  from the Women's Centre on campus.   Everyone except Daytonne chatted and gesticulated excitedly about their theses, and about a recent rally.    Daytonne, by contrast, was quiet and self-contained, more like an observer of the goings on than a participant.  Her height and build added to this impression for she was taller than the others, and straight backed.  She had a tomboyish look to her, I noticed, her muscles well-defined under a biking shirt,  and cut off jean shorts. In contrast, her features were soft. Blond hair, blue eyes, a soft mouth with full lips. It was the dissonance that caught my attention. She seemed tough and vulnerable at the same time.   I didn't hang out at the Women's Centre, so I didn't have much to add to the conversation.  Instead, I listened politely and tried to not stare at Daytonne.   

We were at the juice bar right beside the coffee place when we ran into the same group a week later. This time, it was decided we would all sit together on the lawn while we drank our greens. Daytonne sat beside a chatty girl who kept running her hands through Daytonne's hair.   I tried to not stare but I knew  I had been caught when Daytonne met my eyes and smiled.   I was afraid she might think I was staring because I had never seen two women together or was homophobic.  I had nothing against being a lesbian,  but my exposure was limited to seeing Jane give a recent ex-girlfriend a rather sterile kiss on the lips as she left our apartment.   

 'What are you studying in school?', Daytonne asked.

 I was so relieved she wasn't calling me out for staring that it took me a couple of beats to respond.  'uh,  public health'.

'What about it?' 

'I, well, I want to be part of the planning around the integration of public harm reduction measures .'

'Why?'

I didn't know what to say to that. She had hit a nerve so quickly.   I gave her a part answer. 'We have alot to learn from some of the European models', I said. 'Most of the treatment centres here are abstinence based and as a result many individuals are afraid to seek help.'

'How do you know that? Do you know people that couldn't be helped?'

I was sure my cheeks had pinked from the discomfort and embarrassment that had lodged in my chest.     I was saved from coming up with an answer because the girl beside Daytonne chose that moment to break in.  She  announced that they had all better get going or risk being late for some class on Foucault. The girl pulled on Daytonne's arm and we broke eye contact. I was in a hurry to get away from the intensity I was feeling between us.   I was a few feet ahead of the group, when Daytonne called out, 'Bye'.  I turned around to see Daytonne hadn't moved. And although she hadn't called out my name, she was looking right at me.  'Bye, everyone' I called out and scurried away as fast as my short heeled boots would take me, forcing Jane to run after me.      

Once we were on our own, Jane elbowed me.   'Did you see that? Daytonne kept looking at you.  She even talked to you and she isn't one to waste words.   Have you talked to her before?'

'No, of course not. '

'Well, it looked to me like you were the only one she wanted to talk to. And, well, you were staring at her. Last time, too.'

'Shut up, Jane. Are you implying that I am, you know, attracted to her? I am not a lesbian. Just because you recently came out, doesn't mean I have to. We don't have to do everything together.'

Jane could have been offended, justifiably, at my reaction but instead she laughed, making me appreciate her anew for being my best friend.

'I didn't say that you were. But you also don't have to close yourself off.'

'I'm not.'

Jane shot me a sideways glance.

'Are you saying I am homophobic? I am not! Look at us. You are my best friend.'

'There is a difference though, isn't there? You were amazing when I came out. But the break up from the person whose name we never say hit you so hard for more reasons than the loss of him alone, no?' Jane stopped walking, grabbed onto my elbow, and turned me around to face her. 'You had this idea that your life had to be a certain way. You have this compulsive need for security and this idea that being with some guy is going to give that to you. But look at you. You are doing your graduate degree in public health. Do you not think you can stand on your own two feet? '

I had started crying. Jane fished around in her Mary Poppins bag for what I assumed was a Kleenex, and shoved a couple of balled up tissues at me.

I shook the dust off of one of the crumpled offerings. 'Has this Kleenex been used before?'

Jane gave me a fleeting smile but I could tell she was assessing my emotional state. 'Are you laughing or crying?'

I sniffled. 'Shut up. Let's go home.'

Jane pulled me into a big hug. She had decided to not push it any further. Maybe she was afraid that I would lapse into another week-long crying jag.  That wasn't the case but I was relieved she was letting it go.

to be continued...:)