PruCan - Recover (Nights)

3

(Tw: mentions of self-harm in this chapter)

Perhaps a month or two into this new relationship with our open communication, I woke up one night to see Matthew sitting on his bed. His knees were drawn up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them. His head rested on top as he gazed out the window, a little forlornly.

"Mattie?" I called to him softly, and he raised his head and turned to me.

"Yes?" In the darkness of the night, it was a miracle that he had been able to make a sound without it being swallowed by the expanse of shadows between us. I still heard him regardless, and I carefully got up from my bed to join the blonde where he sat. Despite all our time spent together, and the trust that had built between us, on tonight, he tensed up as I took a seat next to him. As the bed sunk a bit at the added weight, I made sure that I was giving him plenty of space so he didn't feel cornered.

"Are you alright?"

He was silent for a long time, staring into the dark, but it didn't faze me; by now, I was much more accustomed to silence and patience, waiting to listen, than I had ever been before knowing Matthew. Eventually though, he spoke in his soft, sweet voice, hardly above the faintest of whispers as he addressed the immeasurable blackness of the night which engulfed us.

"The world is just so... big," he muttered, hushed. "Everything is so large and infinite and moving on unstoppably, regardless of how things go with me, or you, us, everyone. And here I am, just one person, caught up in trying to move along with it, stumbling and falling and often failing to keep pace."

He was so quiet - so small and so helpless then - that I wished I could have reached over to wrap him in my arms, rest him against me and promise that he was there and that was all that mattered. But instead, he turned to look at me, and took shaky breaths before he could continue again. And I took my turn making not a sound nor motion, refusing to stop him from saying what was keeping his mind ill at ease right now.

"It's as if... the world I live in is filled with dark, and I'm trapped there, with no way to get out. And there's no one who can help, no one to tell, no one who would listen and hear me. And I'm drowning, suffocating in that darkness, and - and sometimes, I don't mind that. Sometimes, I think it's best...."

He was quiet enough for a moment that I did reach out a tentative, comforting hand towards him, his arm being mere inches from my fingertips, only to have him violently flinch away from me, eyes wide and filled with... something I didn't recognize. But he blinked, and breathed deeply through his nose with his eyes closed for only a moment before cautious yet trusting, purplish-blue eyes pierced my red ones.

"G-Gilbert?" he ventured, his voice so muted that I desperately wanted to hug him, though I kept to myself at the expense of alarming or scaring him once more.

"Ja, Mattie?" I responded, just as quietly, trying my hardest to be nonthreatening.

"You - you don't know why I'm here, do you? I mean... the doctors never told you anything about me or my condition?"

I shook my head, though I had a terribly good guess....

He stared into my eyes for a moment longer, before flicking his gaze away to the floor, resolutely rolling up the sleeves to the red hoodie that he always wore.

I tried not to make any sound of being startled - and certainly nothing ruder - though a small gasp escaped my lips before I could bite it back. As I looked apologetically to Matthew, he seemed not to mind it, actually smiling softly, letting an unsteady breath slip through his own lips as I reacted no worse....

Scars ran the length of Matthew's pale arms, some unbelievably long, others unfathomably deep. Several had stitches woven in them, holding together the mutilated skin. There were just so many - some appearing several years old, some looking as fresh as maybe only a few days ago - that it made my head spin for just a moment to see them.

"I... have more..." he muttered, still not meeting my gaze. "I have been depressed - severely - for a fair portion of my life. When I finally had the strength to realize going on untreated was dangerous and I told my family, they dumped me here as quick as they could. They were always fairly eager to forget me..." A wry smile twisted his lips for just a moment before he looked resolutely into the night once more, silent.

I was the most delicate man treading the planet as I hesitantly, slowly extended my hand once more, refusing to terrify Matthew, and giving him more than adequate time to pull away if he felt so endangered. But - though he shook profusely and breathed as if he had just run a marathon -Matthew stayed where he was, looking right at me, and allowed my hand to make contact with his shoulder.

As soon as the skin met, Matthew tensed - and it was obvious to me that my roommate had spent a lifetime dodging touches and contact that could reveal the secret under his sleeves. And... other articles of clothing - I remembered Matthew saying he had more scars than these....

But still I would not allow anything I did to scare Mattie, and my hand did not stray an inch from its place until I felt him relax - hardly noticeable at all, with just the fractional loosening of his muscles, which I could just barely feel.

Still very slowly and delicately, I moved my hand in careful circles, attempting to be comforting in a way that Mattie wouldn't feel was aggressive or too quick of a movement. It wasn't until he further relaxed into the concept of me touching him - to a point that was really noticeable, not merely millimeter by millimeter - that I was finally able to draw Matthew into my chest and cradle him against it. And - for the first time in I wasn't sure how long, though I knew it probably took more than one hand to count the number of years since - he at last let tears slip from his eyes and fall like little broken pieces of glass to land in my lap as I just held him closer.

"I will never forget you," I whispered to him, holding him as his body shook with sobs and he finally let go of everything that had crushed him inside. "And I promise that I'll always listen to you; you won't suffocate on the darkness while I am here."

I would never let him go again.