Misery Business // z.m.

Chapter 32

The stitches in my side were removed before the ones in my wrist. I was surprised when Eleanor came. She hadn't come to see me the whole two weeks I was resting. I had expected something more from her, but all she did was ignore mw. Why? I don't know. I wanted to talk to someone so badly, but Eleanor had shut me out. I had no one to talk to and I was suffering because of it.

I had barely left the room. Of course Zayn brought me food, but he made his visits short and quick. He barely acknowledged me. The only time he did was to tell me to eat or he'd force me to. You see, he noticed when I skipped meals.

I wasn't as thankful to him as I was before. I wasn't letting go of the fact that he wouldn't tell me anything. I was learning to resent him even more than I had before. It was then that I realized I was still angry. I was still angry about everything. I just thought forgiving him and ignoring it would be easier, but the more he left me alone in that room, the more my anger festered.

I had studied the marks on my side almost every night. The letters TC were just below a symbol that reminded me of a coiled snake but I couldn't be sure because the lines were too bumpy. I didn't know what it meant. I couldn't understand any of it.

The scars weren't as bad as the memories of it happening though. I would dream horrible things. The nightmares ranged from drowning in pools of my own blood to being butchered into pieces. I was sure I screamed in my sleep but I was pretty sure he couldn't hear me through the walls. If he could he was sick for letting me suffer through it.

I wanted so desperately to leave again. I wanted to buy another ticket and get the hell out, but I had been over this many times. I had no means. I was going to suffer here until I died. I was already beginning to wish he had never saved. I had no purpose.

I woke up in the middle of the night and found the door open. I wandered out of the room to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I could hear the soft buzz of the television and I could see the light from it flashing from down the hall. I combed my hair through with my fingers and wiped the sleep out of my eyes. Then I stumbled down the hall in a hazy state to find out what was going on.

He was asleep to my complete and utter dismay. I was planning on ambushing him with all my questions. Instead I pushed out the front door in flannel pajama bottoms, a thin long sleeve t-shirt and no shoes. I wasn't leaving. I was going up.

I don't know what inspired me to go to the roof but when I reached it after climbing many stairs, I basked in the vision of the night sky. The light from the city made it hard for me to see the stars but standing there on that rooftop, I was free. I forgot about the strange scars on my body. I forgot about psychotic man-child that kept me prisoner. What I would do to stay in that moment forever.

It was freezing and I was wearing nothing warm, but the cold made me feel alive. The wind made my body buzz for warmth and although it was uncomfortable, it felt so normal and so human. I felt insignificant most days, but on that rooftop I felt free of all my thoughts.

"Are you crazy?" I heard his groggy voice from behind me. "You'll freeze to death!"

"Maybe that's the point!" I replied with a hint of spite. I wasn't angry necessarily; I was just tired.

"Don't say that! Just get back inside." He grabbed my shoulder and tried to tug me back to the door, but I defied him in a rough manner. I pushed against his chest and stumbled back to avoid him.

"I'm not going inside." I replied monotonously.

"And why not?" He stood in front of me blocking the wind. I was acting like a stubborn child.

"Because." I stated defiantly.

"Get in the fuckin-"

"Shut up and just look will you!" I interrupted him and pointed up.