Dear diary
This entry might be alittle different ,but I just wanted to get something off my chest.
So before I tell you what's bothering me , i need to first take you back with me a couple of years ago.
I left my country 9 years ago and moved to this country.The bonds with my cousins and my family back home were very strong; we used to talk almost everyday on Skype.These days then started to become weeks and these weeks eventually turned into years. Now I've forgotten how they even sound like. I used to constantly beg my parents to go back there in the holidays ,but eventually I forgot about the whole thing and began wanting to visit other countries like France or Greece.
Because where I currently live my language is rarely spoken, I started using English instead. Now my sentences are just a mixture of both languages. I can't speak without using them both.
Today ,I just watched a video posted on facebook by one of my primary class mates back in there.I realized that I can't really talk like that..even the slangs that she used I'm not familiar with.The language has changed so much since we've last been there.
This got me thinking...what am I?
I can't speak a full sentence in my language without posing and thinking about it.
If I go back to there will I even be able to fit in with people from my age group.I don't know their trends or style.Im basically a foreigner to them.
A foreigner in my own country.
I don't even know what the word 'home' even stands for.
What is home and where is my home?
I'm like a piece of cloth with many different colors splashed on it. There will come a moment where you'll forget it's original color and it's new color will be unidentifiable.
I used daydream over the day that I'll finally go back 'home'.
But do I even want to anymore?
As a 9 year I had this false idea that a magical pause button has been pressed when I left, and when I come back everything will be the same.My grandparents will be waiting for us I'm their cozy house , with the smell of home baked cookies saturating the atmosphere.My cousins will be hiding in the closet afraid that I would catch them. My youngest and most fun uncle will be there wuth all of his playdough ready for us to sculpt our master piece.
But eventually life doesn't stop for anyone.
My grandparents aren't there anymore to give me these tight hugs and million kisses, and that cozy house has been sold a long time ago.
My cousins have grown up ; some of them are married and some are even with kids now.I remember last time I visited 6 years ago, I was so stubborn to the image in my head that beautifully painted picture that I left. I went to my cousins and kept on asking them to for us to play together and then my one of them hit me with the truth ,the truth that is obvious to everyone but I chose to shut my eyes.She said " we arent kids anymore." That alone was enough to leave me heartbroken.
My uncle came here a couple of months ago; I had so many high expectations. I made a countdown to the day he'll arrive,but I was left disappointed. He was now married and with 2 adorable children.His interests have diverted and his patience has shortened.He just didn't have a piece of mind to have a full conversation with a teenager.He had a lot of responsibilities now between his children and work.
However, it isn't their fault.They have done nothing wrong ,but have done what a normal human would do ;they'll live and move on.
If there's someone to blame then, it would be me.I was so stuck to one time frame and never wanted to let go.
