Thought But Never Spoken

Lost

I'm so confused and so unsure. I can't seem to make the right decisions. My head doesn't make sense. All my thoughts and observations of everything are jumbled together and are making quite a mess.

It is almost as if I'm looking for things to go against me. For things to be wrong with me. But I also want everything to be normal. I'm not depressed or in the middle of a hard time. My life is completely normal. I have just been quite off of my usual "game" this week.

I recently spent a wonderful day with a dear friend of mine. I really enjoyed myself and I felt my friend had fun too. But afterwords I just felt a little disappointed. Not in how the day went or my friend, but in myself. I found that the more I thought about the day the more I wished I could try again or start over.

I realized I was not very warm or pleasant. I felt like I was acting like my normal self. I was happy to be able to talk to this friend. But I don't know if this person was as excited though. Being that part of the time was spent on their phone. I'm today's society it seems easier to text someone than too talk in person. It was seeming this way with my friend.  It was nothing but I happened to think too much about it. We spend so much time entertaining ourselves with our phones it becomes harder to talk in person.

I think I need a break. A break from thinking. I need to just be normal. I was talking to my sibling and asked what I should make of that day. I didn't know what I did wrong. This sibling explained to me that normally I am cold. Even to those I care about.

They insisted that I try. Try to be more soft. Try to be more warm. More caring. Be a better person. And stop being insecure of myself.

I'm sorry G, I told you I'm a psychopath. Please don't be mad. Know that you are truly something dear to me and I am very sorry.