I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate.
It's filled with fire. Exhale desire.
I know it's dire my time today
Tyler
I'm sitting in my bathroom with the window wide open, calling me to escape this hell that I've created. I'm guilty. And it's all my fault. But I didn't mean to kill him. I didn't mean to kill Josh. It was an accident. It's been almost a month since his death happened and no one has sentenced me to jail. No one thinks is fair for a 15-year old boy to go jail for a crime he didn't mean to occur. Well FUCK IT. I deserve to be punished! I killed someone who meant alot to me and no one is giving a single shit about it!
The urge to jump out of the window and leave my reality behind is aching in my mind but I knew I couldn't. If Josh were here, then he would have stopped me, but-
He's not here.
I wanna be with Josh again......
I have these thoughts so often I ought.
To replace that slot with what I once bought.
Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence.
I didn't care anymore. I don't want to keep on living, knowing that I've killed my best friend. I wished I told him sooner about how I felt...... I miss Josh so much...and I can't live without him.
I must go visit Josh.
I finally run out the window, leaving the sink running, only to have one thing one my mind.
Josh....
I got on my bike and rode off to the place where it all started, the forest. That's where I asked Josh to meet me at for our "hang out". Seeing every image outside while I pedaled was plain gray. Every single thing was gray. From the what used to be blue sky, to the humming birds that used to chirp such melodies. But it's all gray. And that's all Ive been seeing since Josh died. Gray.
Sometimes quite is violent.
I find it hard to hide it. My pride is no longer in side it.
It's up my sleeve.
My skin will scream.
Reminding of who I killed inside dreams.
I hate this car that I'm driving. There's no hiding for me.
I'm forced to deal with what I feel.
There is no distraction to mask what is real.
I could pull the steering wheel.
My first stop was Josh's grave. Heading to the forest was going to be painful for me but what's more brutal is seeing Josh's grave stone in front of myself. But you know what?! I DESERVE IT . I DESERVE THIS PAIN. I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND AND FOR THAT I NEED TO BE PUNISHED. SO WHY HASN'T ANYONE PUNISHED ME YET.
I started sobbing on the brightly colored flowers left on his tombstone until I felt a small poke on the shoulder. I turn around but no one was there. I needed to leave the cemetery immediately. I didn't want any body seeing me like this nor did I want them to feel sorry. I left the cemetery, rode off on my bike, and headed to the forest. I was ready.
I was finally ready to see Josh again.
