Dear Dan (Phan) (Discontinued)

Chapter One

Dear Dan,

How long has it been? 2, 3 months? Let's go with that.

You cheated on me. I hope you didn't forget. Because I never did. I never could. I was so in love with you... So in love that I still am. 

I couldn't believe you, at the time. I thought we had a perfect relationship. I thought you loved me. But over time... After I knew you were cheating on me for a while... I knew why. I wasn't good enough.

Don't feel bad. Knowing you, you'd deny it. But it's true. 

I wasn't good enough. I have pitch black hair and a ghostly pale face. A complete contrast. I'm so ugly.

My nose is too big, my mouth is weird, even my neck looks like a girraffe's. I'm nothing but a disappointment. 

I've taken up cutting again. The thin red lines are the only thing I like about myself.

I'm too fat. I'm so fat, it's not funny. I've tried working out, but it doesn't help... I'm nothing without you. 

When I was with you, I felt special. I felt good. You made me feel good. You called me beautiful. But it was a lie... It's always been a lie.

I've stopped my YouTube videos. I mean, the fans only liked me because of you... 

I guess I shouldn't have felt special. The girl you cheated on me with probably did/does too. How long were you with her? We had been together for three years. Only then did I see you with her. But I didn't tell you. I wanted to figure out why you would do such a thing before I told you.

But I'm a coward. I'm such a coward, that I couldn't even tell you properly that I knew you were cheating on me. Instead, I bought a house without you knowing, packed all of my things on a weekend that you were visiting family (or so you told me. I saw the text messages. I knew you were with her). 

And I left you a note. I had written and rewritten it numerous times. I still remember how it went.

"Dan-

I know you've been cheating on me. I've seen you with her. Why a girl? Did I turn you straight or something? I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I know that I wasn't. I'm ugly, fat, and a pathetic loser. So, I've moved. I won't tell you where. What good would that bring me?

Sorry for all of the trouble I've caused.

Love,

Phil."

And that was it. Then I left.

Do I regret it? No. You never loved me as much as I loved you. Half of the time I told you I loved you, you wouldn't say it back. When I asked you why, you just said, "If I say it too much, it'll lose meaning and become just a normal thing we'd say. If I don't say it all of the time you won't be used to it, so it will feel special." Which I guess was true. I did feel special on the few times you did.

I think I can count it on two hands how many times you said it back.

There was the first time, that first date. Bowling. I still remember. Though you probably don't. I had loved you for a long time, and I told you. You said you felt the same. I was so happy.

And then, at first, you'd say it back. I only said it a few times in the beginning, I guess, but during the last year or so... You didn't. Now I realise. The girl.

Did I honestly turn you straight, Dan? Why a girl? You told me you were gay. Did I make you bi? Were you attracted to other boys as well? I honestly will never know. I don't want to talk to you, it will just bring back too many memories.

So, let me tell you this...

While you're reading this, I've either given this to you at Summer In The City (I'm still in England, if that's what you're wondering.) or in a P.O. Box you may have re-opened. 

I still watch your videos. If you'd like to say anything to me, just say it there.

Love, as I always will,

Phil.

(P.S. Lie, lie, liar. Liar you'll pay for your sins.)