It's Only Logical | Big Bang Theory

The Gag Paradigm

How many fucking stairs does this building have?

I sigh as I climb floor after floor, still not seeing apartment 4B. What happened to the elevator anyway? I am meeting Penny for the first time so we can get a feel for each other. I'm still grateful that Leonard told me of this opportunity - not to mention Penny, of course. I really do hope she and I will hit it off. The rent is cheap, I don't see any other possibilities at the moment, plus I'll get to know someone outside of work. Maybe I'll see Raj more, with Leonard and Sheldon living across the hall.
'4A' I see before me as I reach yet another floor.
"Ah!" I exclaim and look to my right where apartment 4B is located. I knock on what I presume is Penny's door three times, followed by a "Just a sec!" from the other side of it. As the door is opened, I burst into a huge smile which is repaid by the woman in front of me. She is slightly taller than myself, her blond hair brushed back into a messy ponytail. She extends her hand.
"You must be Lucy!"
I blink.
"Lucille, actually," I say, shaking her hand. She rolls her eyes and looks down.
"I'm sorry! I keep mixing it up! Leonard told me it's Lucille," she says. "Luciiille," she laughs.
I smile.
"Anyway, come inside!" She gushes me in the door and I take a moment to look around. The place is a bit messy but it's nothing that can't be fixed.
"Wow," I say. "This place is rather big compared to my apartment. And it has a nice feel to it," I say as I walk to the window.
"Yeah, it didn't take long for it to feel like home to me," Penny says. I smile at her.
"Would you like some wine?" Ah.
"Sure, thank you," I say and proceed to her couch. Removing some empty boxes - take-away? - I sit down. Penny joins me with two glasses of wine in her grip.
"So, you work with the same thing as Raj?" she asks. I nod.
"That's correct. I'm his assistant," I say, taking a sip of the wine. Boy, I'd forgotten the taste of it.
"Ooooh, assistant," Penny repeats with raised eyebrows. I find myself looking at her, not sure where she's going.
"No?" she asks, putting down her glass and leaning back. Three continuos knocks on the door has both our heads turning.
"Penny!"
Knock, knock, knock.
"Penny!"
Knock, knock, knock.
"Penny!"
I look at Penny shocked, but she simply rolls her eyes and opens the door.
"Penny! I need your womanly expertise," Sheldon says before Penny has a chance to say a thing.
"Come in, sweetie," she says and he does. He stops in his tracks as he sees me.
"Oh, hello," he says.
"Hey, Sheldon,"
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm checking out Penny's apartment. I took Leonard's offer, remember?" I ask.
"Yeah, but I thought that was a joke," he says, eyeing me. "You disappoint me, Lucille," And while shaking his head, he sits down on a chair, reluctantly, on the edge as if he's ready to jump any minute.
"So what can I do for you, Sheldon?" Penny asks, not seemingly disturbed by our conversation.
"Ah, yes," Sheldon begins and turns to her. "Amy's birthday is coming up, and I feel obliged to get her something useful," he says.
"Shit! Amy's birthday is coming up? I haven't gotten her a thing!" Penny bursts out, eyes in shock.
"Amy's birthday is in two months. Unlike you, I like to plan ahead," Sheldon replies calmly, staring at her. Penny sighs, relieved. "I am, however, impressed that you were able to make my needing advice for my girlfriend's birthday gift about you," he continues. Penny clears her throat and looks down.
"Look, why don't you get her something sexy?" she then asks.
"Sexy?" Sheldon repeats. Penny nods. "I said useful, not sexy," He looks astonished.
"Oh honey, sexy can be very useful," Penny retorts, swirling the wine in her glass. Sheldon looks at her the same way I looked at her moments before when she was all "Ooooh, assistant," Ah.
"How about something she can use in her spare time that might help to improve her research?" I ask, butting into the discussion. I think back at yesterday where I got to have a more extensive conversation with Amy about her work and research than when we first met. "Is she still working with monkeys?" Sheldon's face lights up.
"Maybe there are new gadgets on the market to test the chimpanzee-human-intelligence resemblance," he says. I nod.
"Wait," Penny says. "Are you dating a monkey now or are you just buying your girlfriend a monkey toy?" Sheldon looks back at Penny.
"Penny, you don't understand the complexity of Amy's mind or what she wants. Besides, every idea you've given has been useless - oh I'm sorry, there has only been one," he snaps. Both Penny and I raise our eyebrows. She shrugs and leans back.
"You wanted my womanly expertise,"
Knock, knock. Penny gets up to open the door once more. Leonard. He is holding a plastic bag.
"Hey, guys," he says before giving Penny a peck on the lips. "I just wanted to see how things were going with you and Lucille,"
"It's good!" Penny tells him. "We were just getting to know each other before someone interrupted us," she continues.
"Oh," he nods and turns to us. "I brought food!" he then exclaims happily, waving the bag in front of us. I feel my stomach growling.
"Oh great!" Sheldon says and gets up. We follow. I suppose we're going to their apartment now. A few steps and we're there, and I look around the second I step inside. Their apartment seems big and I feel a little jealous of it. Everything is tidy. Sheldon sits himself down in the couch and starts unpacking the plastic bag. He looks up at me and stops, then looks at Leonard.
"Is she joining us?" he asks.
"Of course she is," Leonard replies. "If she's going to live with Penny, she might as well get used to spending time over here," he shrugs and places himself in a chair.
"Oh yes," Sheldon nods. "You really shouldn't expect Penny to start cooking," he says as he turns back to me. I look to Penny who's sending somewhat of a death glare in Sheldon's direction. "No, she always eats our food. Literally," he continues. I laugh slightly as I place myself on the floor. I have always had a weakness for sitting on floors. It makes me feel more at ease, especially when eating by the sofa. I look to Sheldon's opened box. Oh. It looks Chinese.
"Actually guys, I'm vegetarian," I say, feeling slightly bad that they have bought food that I won't be eating.
"Oh, I know," Leonard says, sticking his fork onto a piece of chicken. "Raj told me,"
Knock, knock. In comes Raj and Howard. I smile at them. Howard sits in the sofa, while Raj, as myself, sits himself down on the floor.
"Where's Bernadette?" Penny asks Howard as Leonard hands me a box marked V. It smells delicious.
"She's having an evening out with some of her co-workers. The annual women microbiologist-night trashing men," he laughs a fake laugh. "No husbands," he continues with an empty stare. My box is filled with rice, noodles, and spring rolls. I begin eating immediately.
"Thank you for letting Leonard know I'm vegetarian," I say as I turn to Raj, and he bows his head with a big smile in return.

"Listen, sweetie, Amy may be a biology-something, but she is first and foremost a woman. She wants sexy," Penny and Sheldon have relaunched their discussion with Leonard finding it delightful whenever the words 'monkey toy' come up.
"Why doesn't he just buy her a gag so she can make him shut up?" a voice beside me suggests. Raj is sitting next to me with a beer and once again I'm impressed by his disorderness. Also I'm just realising that Penny and I left two glasses of wine in her apartment.
"I think Amy might take it the wrong way," I reply, and he laughs before stopping mid-track.
"That is actually a perfect idea," he says. "Amy will think it's supposed to be used for sexy purposes, but Sheldon will see it only as useful," he continues, his eyes big, mindblown. Kind of feeling the same way.
"You are a genius, boss," I say and turn to Sheldon.
"Sheldon! Why don't you get Amy a gag?" I ask. He looks at me for a long few seconds, his eyes narrow.
"A gag?" he then asks, cautiously.
"Yeah,"
"How is a gag useful?" Oh. I look to Raj who seemingly also just realised that Sheldon may not see it as useful as much as Amy and, well, everyone else.
"Well, you know..." I begin. "You could use it as an experiment," I say. Penny snorts. "Wouldn't you sometimes like Amy to shut up for a minute? I'm sure she feels the same. By having it with you whenever you're having a conversation, you can test just how willing either of you are to listen to each other's rambles before stuffing each other's mouths," I suggest. Penny snorts. Sheldon closes his mouth and looks away. I shrug at Raj who is nodding approvingly.
"That does sound good," Sheldon finally says. "Amy does tend to ramble..."

I smile to myself as I sit on the toilet. After my gag-suggestion Sheldon gave a lecture on how the others should think more in terms of gags and monkey toys. He seems to like me now. It feels oddly good. Washing my hands, I look at myself in the mirror. I look happy. I realise that I am happy - I have a great job, probably a new place to live, and a group of friends I find myself bonding with. Why wouldn't I be happy? I exit the bathroom with a smile which is met by Raj by the kitchen counter.
"What are you so happy about?" he asks, also smiling.
"All of this," I reply, gesturing around the room.
"It is quite a nice apartment," he nods, looking around. I roll my eyes.
"So how's Lucy?" I ask.
"She's all right. I just don't always feel like we're a real couple, you know?" He turns around. "When I look at Leonard and Penny, they're so happy, laughing and kissing, sitting in each other's laps," I look over at them, and sure enough Leonard is seated in Penny's lap.
"Have they met Lucy?" I ask. Raj shakes his head. "Well maybe they should. Introduce them to her and her to them. Maybe then she'll feel more at ease," I say.
"Maybe that would be a good idea," he replies, taking it in.
"I should get going. I promised my parents I'd call them today and tell them about Penny's apartment. Also I have a Star Wars fanfic I need to catch up on," I smile, and we laugh together.

The evening air feels chilly as it caresses my cheeks. My mind is filled with shifting thoughts of spring rolls, Han Solo, and the occasional Raj. I feel grateful that having him as my boss has opened this many windows. That's a lot of grateful thoughts for one day, though. Is my period coming on? And with that thought I feel my stomach turning, and nausea pushing on. Only it doesn't stop. With a few steps forwards and a hand on my stomach I feel myself gagging and filling the pavement with actual vomit. Gee. Where did that come from?
"Wucy?" someone calls behind me. Hopefully they pay no attention to me.
"Wucy?" I hear again. The voice sounds familiar. "Wucy, you don't wook too good." The voice is beside me and with a quick look I notice Larry.
"Oh, hello, Larry," I say as I cover my mouth, trying to appear somewhat civilised.
"Wawwy? Who's Wawwy? I'm Bawwy," he says. Right.
"Sorry, Bawwy- Barry! Uh, do you perchance have some paper or something?" I ask, trying to make him remember that I had just been throwing up. He shrugs.
"Onwy a physics wepowt," he replies.

Not fully aware how I got here, I find myself unlocking my door.
"Thanks, Barry," I say as I'm inside, appreciative of him getting me home.
"No pwobwem," he says with his hands in his pockets. "Awways weady to hewp a pwetty girw," I smile at him only to feel my stomach turning again. "That was some sewious gagging," he continues. I nod.
"Yeah. Probably ate a bad spring roll," Awh.
"Do you need me to take you to the hospitaw?" he asks. I shake my head.
"I think I'll sleep it out,"
"Awwight. Wew if you need me, you can caw me on this numbew," he says and hands me a piece of paper with a number on it. That's an odd thing to carry in your pocket.
"Thank you," I say. "I would ask you to come in, but I'm getting extremly tired,"
"That's okay. I have some wowk I need to finish. See you at schoow!" he says and smiles at me before leaving. What a nice man. But not quite as nice as my bed.