Short story's

Lonley

Not really a short story but more of a rant.

So many things have happened, are happening, will happen. But are we ready?

Lonely__

So I sit here. Thinking about the typical then, now, and ... Is there another word for future? I was gonna put when but that's kinda... vague? Anyway yup I'm just thinking of when (?) things are gonna change... Like as much as you prepare you won't ever really, truly be prepared for some things. Im not talking about anything in particular here but, weirded out by the fact that we all constantly have to face a bunch of unknowns. I'm talking about the future. I think of things like will I be a teen mom? Change in some sort of way? What kind of person will I marry? Maybe not marry at all? Die? Every single one of those things cost time, money, physical, and mental strength. Well except dying. But that's another weird thing we have to constantly keep in the back of ours heads. Like it's always there. Lingering, waiting, haunting you. Death, just another thing you can't control. Kinda like your period. Why do we have to buy pads and tampons again? I mean it's not like we can control it. Every woman has or had it and some fuck decided to use that we had no choice in being a female and having a period to their advantage and make some money off it. Also, don't you get mad when they use the "Are you on your period?" Line when your in a bad mood? Like no it doesn't determine my emotions it just influences them. You think we want to have this? Spending money? Feeling gross? I mean it helps with reminding us were not pregnant. But is that really a plus? That line is... Idk what big word they have for it but One thing for sure it's rude.

I'm literally sitting at dinning table in a house that don't even feel like mine at 4:43 am. Alone with my thoughts. I'm okay, lonely, but ok. I mean there is like 7 people sleeping in the adjacent rooms so why would I be. Being alone is way different than feeling alone. Y'know? Close friends are all asleep and I have decided not the wake them up not that I could in the first place. There really deep sleepers after all. Funny thing is that I probably look real creepy sitting by myself typing away at my phone. Talking about friends... They're weird. Like it's weird how you become friends with someone. You both have some thing in common and you just sort of click... You keep on talking and maybe find a few personal things about them. You find your self leaning on some one you once never knew. Off topic but have you ever thought of friendship as just constantly solving each other's problems? Like I don't want to believe that but it's becoming clear to me that it seems to be the case... Not really becoming clear but idk like it's something I've thought about and its not that I don't want to believe it but like idk. Real friendship is like having family but not by blood. Ever feel that way? I have. Have. Not to be all dramatic or something but I really feel like my best friend and I are like drifting apart. Like we're constantly having "quiet arguments". That's what I like to call them anyway. It's a sort of argument that's not really established... Idk. When we argue, which we hardly do, it's really weird. We correct each other's spelling and be sarcastic. It's all just a huge pile of awkward. So awkward that we stop talking until we see each other again and act like nothing happened. But when we do meet we have that silent feeling of tension. I think she feels the same way but I wouldn't bring it up cause that's also awkward. Well anyway now that we're having a little bit more "quiet arguments" I don't feel as at home with her. I feel restricted around her. I watch what I say cause I don't want to say anything stupid. And I watch what I do cause I don't wanna creep her out and make anything weird. Have you every had those gay moments with your bestfriend? It used to be like that but now I act like a person with a crush. Like I have to watch everything I do and don't get me wrong It's really comfortable with her around but I feel like it's all fake and forced. Sometimes I feel like she's forced to hand out with me. Like I'm so lame why are you still by me? Ever feel like that? Idk man but she is so fucking cute. Like the way she acts and her perspective of things are interesting. But at the same time she pisses me off and is the most stupid person at the same time. Idk. Things are weird. Hell, everything is weird. I''m weird for writing this at now... 5:37am. Maybe I just want more attention. I know what your thinking. From her? Yeah her but also more than her. Like I need someone. Someone that can give constants in my life. I'm to young to be worrying about love and being in a relationship. But at the same time I'm really lonely and even feel lonely. I'm also to young to be calling myself lonely at all but I do. I do and there's nothing I can do. I mean eventually I will grow up and be that one person thinking "Oh, where did the time go?" Next to my partner sipping a cup of cold coffee and lost track of time talking because we were going over how old we are. Lonely but not lonely forever.

    I'm feeling like a hypocrite. I had promised myself that staring July I would sleep earlier because school starts in August and I feel my body already getting used to sleeping late. Like even yesterday I slept at like 5 something and I woke up at 7 something. I keep missing more than half of my day because of my odd sleeping schedule. It's just not living for me. Even though I know this I just can't sleep early even if I tried. I thought of using medicine to knock me out but I feel like medicine isn't natural and be trouble some if my body rejects it one day. Now it's 6o'3. I have also thought of being more active while I'm awake. So that I'm tired and when I head to sleep I actually sleep. But I doubt it cause I played volleyball earlier and guess what? I'm awake. I'm just gonna adjust my body slowly day by day. I'm not rushing just worried.