Shadowed (z.m)

4.

Blake lived pretty locally so I could just walk down to the shop. I was not driving now, I'm on the verge of drunk for gods sake. As I walked my thoughts sobered up and so did I. Fresh air does wonders for me when drunk or tipsy. I spotted the shop on the corner and went into it, I hadn't been here for two years either. The guy in the cash register was still the same, just two years older. He smiled at me, obviously recognising me. The shop was the same just two years older. Though I'd already forgotten what Adelaide asked me to buy. Someone else can get it, I thought and bought a packet of cigarettes. Smoking was what I quit first of all after I lost everything, it was what reminded me of him the most. But now I just needed some kind....relaxation? I don't even know if that was the word but I needed a smoke and now it was actually legal for me.

I stepped out into the warm summer air and into the alley right next to the shop. No one ever passed through here, considering it was a place for drug dealers, smokers and drunk people snogging. That's the type of alley way that's next to these type of shops. The whole town suddenly felt so small. I pulled out a fag of the packet and then realised that I didn't have a lighter. I was so used to always carrying one but now that I hadn't smoked for so long, it was rare for me to carry a lighter.

"Need some fire?"

I froze. Completely. I could not move a bone in my body. It was almost as if my heart had stopped. I took a deep breath before looking to my right and that's how simple it was. There he was. Simply standing there smoking, leaning on the brick wall across from me. His lips were curled up into some twisted kind of grin. If anyone could undress you with their eyes, he was the master at it. I always felt so naked and exposed with him.

"I guess some things never change..." He chuckled lightly, coming closer to me. "I'm guessing you ran out of fags at one of your wilder parties that you always attend on Fridays. Especially now that schools pretty much out." He was so close to me now. I could feel his hot breath fan out on my face. I inhaled some of the smoke he breathed out, but I still couldn't move. Two years, it's been two fucking years.

"You know people say that I ruined your life but by the looks of things you're doing fine." He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and yet I still didn't slap his hand away or shoved his chest to get him away from me.

God damn this paralysation...

"But then again, I saw you only four days ago and you looked like shit. The way you froze when you saw me, maybe you're just afraid..." The way he whispered the words so sexily into my ear reminded me of all the other things he'd ever whispered to me. Things I really didn't want to think about now but they all flooded back into my mind. It was like everything he'd ever whispered to me was played over and over. The way his hot breath hit just beneath my ear, like it always used to before he'd kiss my neck.

"I was having a bad day." I managed to get out, he smirked at me. That infamous god damn smirk of his.

"I could've made it better." His cockiness had always got the best of him. "You know how good I can make you feel..." His whispers sent shivers down my spine. My breathing was racing together with my mind. Two years hadn't changed him in the least. His words and mind in the same place.

"Aren't you supposed to have a girlfriend?" I snapped, looking him dead in the eye, though the smirk on his face didn't even fade a little. Nothing fazed him.

"That hasn't stopped me before." His words shocked me. People were acting like they were going to get married and here he was practically offering me sex. He was unbelievable.

"You're an idiot." I snatched the lighter out of his hand and lit my cigarette, closing my eyes and inhaling the poison. His eyes watched my every move as I blew the smoke out into the warm summer air.

"And you haven't changed a bit." He moved off of the wall and stood in front of me. He was so close and all I wanted was for him to back off. I hated him, more than anything. The silence in the air was thick. I blew my smoke out into his face but he just breathed it in.

"I know we still have something." The statement almost made me choke, but I laughed instead. What kind of stupid game was he trying to play? Whatever it was, it's not going to work.

"You wish..." I chuckled, but it wasn't long. He pushed his body against mine pressing us against the brick wall behind me. I gasped and could every part of his body against mine. His frame so strong and firm, in an older sort of way. More mature, more in control. His head leaned in and kissed my neck, he kissed it several times, biting my skin and sucking on it. There was fire in the pit of my stomach. A fire of hatred. As I tried to move out of his grasp, I accidentally moved myself against him. I'm not going to lie, it felt good.

"I know. And this isn't over." His words were harsh, and with a kiss right beneath my left ear, he was gone. Just like that...

And guess what? I let him get to me, he had me exactly where he wanted me. For two years I'd suffered but now when I'd finally accepted what happened he returns. And he brings trouble.

My mind was racing, my breathing was uneven, my heart was pounding and I couldn't focus. I felt disgusted with myself, how could I let him get so close? I should've slapped him before he even got a chance to feel my body so firmly against his, before he could kiss my soft skin, before I let anything feel good. It brought back too many memories. I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed my time with him but after he shamelessly revealed my darkest and dirtiest secret to everyone I hated him.

A part of me had loved how mysterious he was and how much passion and fire there had been between us but that was then. I was young, foolish and stupid. I actually thought that I loved him. I laughed quietly at myself, taking another drag. I'll need something stronger than this, I thought bitterly to myself.

No that'll only make you think of him more, another part of me scolded. The sensible part that had stepped up when my secret was out. It was also the part that had been dominant for a long time. My head was so clouded it wasn't even funny. I'd grinded myself up on him, not intentionally but still...... I enjoyed it. I've never felt this disgusted with myself before. I let myself enjoy it, my guards aren't strong enough around him and I need to fix that. Urgently.

I groaned and started making my way back to the party, better there than here, I thought. Way too many memories in that alley way and I just added another one. One that certainly wasn't needed.When I stepped in Blake's house it was very smoky and the music was low and everyone was lounging on the couches cracking jokes. In other words, they were high out if their minds.

"Hey Holly!" Blake dragged out all his words and everyone smiled at me. Some random guy in my year, sitting on the floor held out a joint for me to take a drag from. The room was quiet and everyone was waiting for me to take it. It was like if I took it I'd be accepted again. So much could go wrong if I took but so much could go right.

"Fuck it." I said, snatching it from the guy and everyone cheered.