A.I. Imagine || If you see her...

3.3

[trigger warning]

   You arrived in the early hours,  stumbling about in the dark of your apartment. You didn't bother taking a shower or anything since you were too tired. You quickly wiped off the make up and slipped out of the party clothes. You wanted to catch some sleep, drifting off as soon as you lay under your warm sheets.

   Loud banging on your door woke you up later that night. Squinting, you realised the sun still hasn't risen. A weird feeling overflowed your stomach and chest. You dragged yourself to open the door. It was Luke, Michael,and Calum.


     "What are you guys doing here? Where's Ashton?", you sleepily ask rubbing your eyes. It didn't make any sense to you.

     "In the fucking morgue", Calum grunted through his teeth, walking inside angrily. He shoved you out of the way.

      "Well don't fucking sugarcoat it, Cal!", Michael screamed at him.

      "What are you talking about?", you ask as your heart sinks in your chest. There was loads of negative energy between the friends and your boyfriend wasn't with them at your door. You chuckled, thinking you heard 'morgue'. You probably misheard.

          "Y/n", Luke held you tight, "He was trying to return your phone. Ashton couldn't have seen it coming. The driver was DUI."

         You started tearing up at his words, "Are you fucking serious Luke?" 

         He only made his embrace tighter, confirming what you feared. You choked on your own words, "Over a god damn phone that I didn't even notice was missing?" You raised your voice, punching Luke's chest, "Why the fuck weren't you there to lead him?!" 

        "Well, that's just fucking great, more crying", Calum nervously bit his nails.

        You were inconsolable, sobbing in Luke's arms. Michael was having a go at Calum, "Do you always have to be an insensitive cunt?"

       "Stop swearing, you know Ashton always told you to stop", Luke whispered, still holding you in his arms.

       "WELL HE ISN'T HERE, IS HE?", Calum screamed at the top of his voice, "WILL YOU BRING HIM BACK SO HE CAN SCOLD ME?!" Everything went silent and he started to weep, "I'm sorry, I just want my friend back."

       Michael hugged him as strong as he could, "I know bro, so do I."

       For the next solid ten minutes, dead silence filled the air around you, as did tension. Tears were burning their way down your faces, with no words left to say. Couldn't blame you anyway, it was probably the realisation setting in. Luke slowly let go of you when you stopped crying. You just stared blankly into nothing, motionless. Dead inside was what you all started feeling. Luke slid down a wall, pressing against the floor between his long legs. 


       He let out a painful whimper, uttering, "The radio was playing." 


       "What the hell are you talking about?", Calum groaned. 


       "No", your lip trembled, since you knew exactly what he was talking about. It was playing while you were still there with him. 


       "Yes", he choked. After a shorter pause, he was using all his energy to try and continue, "I waited. Hours, I waited. Then the cop came to the door." He furrowed his eyebrows, revealing how confused he had been, "I don't know, man... I thought there had to be a mistake, then I checked the bag twice."


      You looked at him, questioningly. He nodded, whispering, "T'was your phone. He was stubborn, y/n. Don't think I'm blaming you." 


      You wailed, crying a river this time. You felt the responsibility flow through your body. It was hurting every bit of you. Your chest was in excruciating pain, as if you were dying, too. Heartbreak. 


      Michael and Calum had no life in their eyes as they stared at the floor. None of you moved from the hallway. It was almost as if you were glued to the floor, damned to feel this pain that could be endless at this point. You all handled it differently but felt the same pain. Loss. 


       "This is surreal", Luke added quietly. 


        You shoved your face into your left elbow, wanting to disappear, or at least turn back time. Calum was more than ready to unleash hell on you when they were coming over, but he knows your pain. Seeing you crumble cleared all the doubts about what your thing was with Ashton. Love. 


        "Guys, I'm so sorry", your voice cracked like an egg with every word you said. 


        The strongest, meanest here - Calum - finally approached you like a human being, giving you a proper hug as you bawled, whispering in your ear, "You lost him, too." Acknowledgement. 


        Michael punched your wall, trying to feel something. Obviously, it was useless. You stepped away from Calum, giving Michael's hand a squeeze. Then walking off. The boys  curiously followed you into your living room. You dropped in front of your own armchair, pulling a hoodie on it to you. You simmered down, taking deep breaths into it. It was Ashton's and they knew.

  
        "Actually", you mumbled, throwing it at them for anyone to catch, "I don't want to be reminded." 

       Michael clutched it in his hand, adding, "You can't forget either." 

       "I think we've got some planning to do in the morning", you didn't want to say it, but it has to be done. They nodded unwillingly. Your thoughts were all over the place so you couldn't think of a proper thing to say, but Luke suddenly filled in for you anyway, 

        "I don't think he'd want us to be like this. Look at us." Wreck was an understatement.  

        "You're right, but he was always our sunshine. Just now... he brought rain", you softly commented. 

        "I hate metaphors", Calum added on, continuing to bite on his nail nervously. 

        Michael frowned, "I feel like shite, to be quite honest... But really we can only keep him alive if he smile like he did." 

        "I loved his smile", you whispered, but then through a chuckle you picked up, "I'll miss that ridiculous giggle of his." 

        "Like a squirrel on crack", Michael commented as usual, earning a punch to the bicep from Calum. "I'm sorry, but his laugh was really fast and high, not to mention contagious", Michael continued through his own small laugh. 

          Luke awkwardly commotioned, scratching his head, "Guys, I feel like he's purposely making us laugh now, like this is all him." Everyone stopped for a second to give that a thought. It really was strange, since all of you are shattering, but laughing as if Ashton cracked a joke. Memories are probably going to be what pulls you through this difficult time. 

         
          "Remember when he was so shocked to find out that Canadians speak French?", Calum jumped in to help, and everyone chuckled. 

          From there on, things sort of just, tumbleweeded, as he'd say. One memory led to another, helping with the pain that you knew will inevitably be killing you later. And it did, hours later, when you went to bed, letting the boys crash on the couch. 


          You pulled your knees to your chest underneath the sheets, trying to get some rest for the second time in the same night. You were strong, fighting tears with every cell. "I hope you can hear me", you whispered as low as you could, talking into thin air, "I'll miss you so much it hurts. Please keep shining, sunshine. You know I love you. Please forgive me, Ash."

           By now, it was out of your control, and the exhaustion came over you. You closed your eyes, drifting off to a short round off sleep, having a long, lonely road ahead of you.