I'm addicted to him.

My other addiction.

After he left me I started going to guy to guy just trying to find someone who loved me. And nobody ever loved me the way I loved him. Yes some of them liked me, but not loved. I just wanted to find someone or something that would take the pain away for a day or two. I got depressed and I developed an anxiety disorder. I found something that took away the pain for a few days. My other addiction is self harming. It's not a suicide attempt but it's harming yourself to where the pain goes away. It feels nice at first, then you realize that it only takes the pain away for a split second. Right when you put that cold metal to your skin is when it goes away. But afterwards the pain stays, that's when the addicting part comes. You get addicted to the pain going away, even for a second. You get addicted to the relief. That's how it was when I was with him. The pain went away whenever I was around him. Now I just get these sudden flash backs of us laughing at midnight or us kissing during the day. That's what hurts the most, remembering what made you happy and it's gone. Having flashbacks of where you were happiest. Where you start to live in the moment and you just remember it's not real. That it's just a memory just like he was. One day, I was across the street from our school and I had a razor in the back of my phone case. Nobody even thought to look behind there. And it was always near me when I needed it. I was wearing leggings and my friend Andrew was joking around and hit my thigh softly. I felt a stinging pain and I grabbed my cuts and said not to do that again. He looked at me with this look I can never forget. He looked at me in disbelief and asked where it was. I didn't tell him but he figured it out sooner or later. Corey came across the street and was wondering what's going on. After he found out he tried grabbing my phone and I pushed him off and said "I'm not going to give my razor to someone I started cutting over." He then looked at me and sighed. They ended up getting my razor and threw it up on the roof. I believe it's still there to this day..