The Ramblings Of A Teenage Girl

7-1-16

You know there are so many ways for death to grasp the last breath of air from my lungs and hold me in her eternal embrace. At the fault of myself, though they say that to be a sin, at the fault of someone else, by accident or otherwise, or at the fault of no one but time himself. My friends say they wish my life ended by time, but I feel as if that is too long of a wait to end this suffering. I wish to slide into the caring arms of sweet death herself as soon as she will have me. For being "alive" as I am now seems rather pointless. I lie awake pretending to be okay but the dark likes to shelter my sorrow and allow it to grow, where as the day attempts to push it away but only momentarily as it is replaced by a sensation of being numb until it decides to return. How can a mind forget to have joy as mine has? How can a heart physically beat the same but not bump the same love? How can a life, that was once so full, be so empty when nothing has changed? They try to fill me with pills to give me a chance at the illusion of peace as my body does all it can to produce the dopamine it needs to be the kind of happy I need, like a small child seeing ice cream, but the pills haven't seemed to work, they just cause the thoughts of suicide to deafen me as my anxiety and paranoia begin to start their work of crippling me and I lose my sleep. My parents don't believe there to be anything wrong as I falsify the smile my muscles so easily remember for I wasn't always like this there was a time when I was happy I remember it well. My body and my mind, how ever, just can't remember how to be. So I lie here in pain wishing for death to take pity on me and sweep me up in her love, as she ends this suffering.