I thought we'd be together forever. You and me. We'd prove them all wrong. Turns out I was wrong, not them. Me.
We met in high school. High school sweethearts as you'd call it. We stole glances across the classroom and shared jokes at the teachers expense. We spoke of relationships, never quite realising how much it hurt the other. We shared tears when our favourite characters died in the TV shows and ranted about how unfair the world is to our generation. Each day I saw you it broke my heart a little bit more, you see I'd realised long ago, you'd never be mine. Not anytime soon at any rate.
We had our weekly sleepover as usual that week. That week everything changed. We'd snuck alcohol upstairs to your room and were playing never have I ever. You were far more daring than me which in turn meant you were far more drunk than me. I saw the twinkle in your eye as you progressively got more and more drunk. I liked it. How your face lit up with laughter, laughter so contagious I couldn't help but join in with. Then you went serious and you said "I love you babe. More than a friend should" I doubted you'd remember in the morning so I replied that I'd always loved you. More than I ought to.
We woke up the next morning with a killer headache. You more so than me. Every-time I looked at you I couldn't help the rush of blood that ran to my face. I remember you called my mum thinking I was ill or something. We stayed in our pyjamas all day watching our favourite TV shows on Netflixs. I kept stealing glances at you though you were far too in grossed in the programme playing to notice. I spent the day wondering if you meant the words from the night before or was it just the alcohol doing the talking. As we lay, sharing a bed, you told me you were in love with me again. Though you thought I was sleeping, in reality I was relishing in your touch, your arms around my waist as lovers do. I feel asleep that night with a big smile that didn't dissipate for days afterwards.
I spent weeks trying to pluck up the courage to ask you out on a date, but not as mates. As lovers, my other half. I'd go to school thinking today I'll ask, though I always stopped and chickened out at the last possible moment. I remember wondering when this cycle of tortuous questioning would end. Then you made your move. On Valentine's day no less. How cliche right? You asked me to be your girl. Of course I said yes. Though you said there was a catch. You weren't ready to be public. It was our secret love story.
Days, weeks and months past. We were still going strong. No one queried our ever growing friendship. No one queried why we were always together, yet you always seemed to be looking over your shoulder. As though afraid someone would catch on to the fact we were more than best mates. I thought maybe you were ashamed though you always denied it. You'd ask how could anyone be ashamed of me? You never seemed to realise how ashamed of myself I truly was.
After a year of being your girl I wanted to go public, you kept saying "soon love. " Another 6 months past and I was getting annoyed at the secret. I wanted everyone to know of the love I felt for you and you me. I was annoyed with the flirting that took place every time you walked into a room even though you'd tell me there was nothing to worry about. You made sure everyone knew you were taken or at least you weren't interested.
I planned a surprise. A surprise which I had hoped you'd like. I had planned a picnic on the grassy verge of our school playing field, my plan was to sweep you off your feet then spend lunch together alone. I stood waiting for you to emerge from your classroom, flowers tucked behind my back and chocolates in my hand. Strawberry creams, your favourite. When you came out with your friends I waited until you noticed me, though if you did I never saw. So I called after you. You stopped and turned. Eyes silently begging me not to do this, though I was too far gone to stop now.
I stated your full name and asked you to be my girl. The silence seemed to drag for an eternity. You looked around, an adorable blush adorned on your face. The halls quiet with spectators that seemed to echo the slow ticking of the clock. Then the whispers that started so quietly seemed to gather louder and louder by every passing second. The homophobic words and gestures seemed forever engraved upon my mind and ears. Yet still you didn't answer as though frozen in time. Slowly I saw your facial expression change as you came back to reality. It went from embarrassment to scorn. From love to hate.
You took the chocolates and pushed me to the floor roughly, instead of helping me up you walked off cackling to your friends. Friends who were seconds from rejecting you moments before. I stay on the floor shocked. You promised you'd always stay. Always protect me. Yet at the first sign of trouble you're gone and I'm left to pick up the pieces.
I was bullied and beaten many times after that. In every way possible I was broken. A shadow of my former self, yet with no one to turn to. You who were once my console became an evil shadow lurking in the background waiting for me to reveal some secret. I was pushed out socially and treated like a leper, yet you who instigated it all? You were treated like the innocent victim of my love. I became invisible to you when I needed you most.
I started to eat less. No one noticed. I started to cut. No one noticed. I bought pills over the counter. No one noticed. I started to notice the speeding traffic along my route to school. As the beatings increased so did my awareness of my surroundings. I took a step further forward than i should have edging ever closer. Another step and BANG.
I'm watching you now. Not in a creepy way. I'm watching how you react when my family talk to you. How the people around you make you feel. They offer their condolences to you as they know how close we once were. You seem shocked though you hide it well. You see I kept my promise. I never spoke of our relationship or our break up. "We have lost a loving and friendly young lady. Gone far too soon. Long may her soul rest". You broke down in tears after those words were spoken. Maybe the guilt finally caught up to you?
I love you my dear. I'm always going to be there for you like I promised. I'm your guardian Angel and by your side I shall ever be.
