Am I Okay?

Stupid

11-07-16

Okay so I haven't written anything in a while... Oops.

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It's been a couple of months since that first vent and I feel even worse.

The books I mostly read are Mystery/Thrillers here on Wattpad but my friend recommended broadening my reading and told me about some Teen Fiction books. I get so emotionally invested into these books that I have to remember that the books are FICTION. As in NOT REAL but I can't help but always feel a ton of mixed emotions about the book.
An example of my many emotions is when the main character and her boyfriend break up (a common stereotype in most TF books I've read so far). They break up and I feel happy but then the main character gives in to their partners apologies  and they fall in love again. This makes me feel pretty mad. I mean she was willing to get back with a sleaze-bag who cheated on her or lied to her? Whats up with that?
I feel stupid the most when they are in the love stage. The writers of these stories describe imperfect but perfect boys who do anything for their girlfriends. What I feel here is entirely laughable because I feel jealous. Jealous that it will never be me in that position. Jealous that I will never have anyone who would love me like the oh so undeniably in love characters in the book. Jealous of the situations where this is happening in real life to some of my friends. Jealous that they are confident enough to even talk to boys in the first place. Why am I so jealous?
People around me have never seen me as the type to stress over boys because thats what I tell them. I tell them that I need to focus on my schooling and put my future before any man and that is the whole truth. However, I want to be loved by someone as well. My friend had a boyfriend a few months ago and when I found out, I was sad. Sad because me and another friend who actually values school a lot more than I do, were the only single ones out of the six of us. I was sad because she had managed to get someone to see her, to notice her. And being the shitty friend that I am, I didn't feel sad but kind of happy when I aided her to break up with him after he ignored her. He made her feel like a burden to him so I encouraged her to end things with him. I thought I was doing it for her
benefit but deep down, I knew I wanted her in the same boat as me. I wanted her to be single like me and wow saying it on here is making me realise that I'm such a shitty person and friend.