Life as Mariah (sophomore)

Never love anything.

---
Four months later...

Things with Chris and I have been going well. We were even voted as the cutest soccer couple. The soccer team even went to state. Josh and Victoria, aka icky Vicky, are now dating and have been presenting PDA all over the damn the place. I haven't been talking to hoodie boy, but it's not because I'm mad at him or anything. I've just been trying to spend a lot of time with Chris. Another new couple was Gabbi and Cameron.
---
Today was Friday and Chris, Gabbi, Cameron, and I are going to double date after school. Today I wore a white and burgundy raglan tee, leggings, and burgundy chuck Taylor's. My hair was half up and half down, just it could stay out of my face. I was so excited for go karts. I'm the queen of go karts.
---
We all linked up, after school at the go kart place. Chris drove me there and was quiet the whole time. I tried to talk to him, but he'd only give me short answers. Usually this would be ok but the problem was that all his answers were in English. Was he mad at me? What the hell did I do? Chris has never been mad at me before. We've never even argued. I pray that Chris isn't going to do what Jaiden did to me. Or that he hasn't already. It hurt bad enough Jaiden did it, but if Chris does it I'll surely die. Geez when did I become so dependent on a boy?
---
Go karts were fun, until it started raining. I just don't understand this Texas weather. It's bright and sunny one minute, but the next it's pouring down rain. Of course I was Winning in go karts. Everyone was biting my dust. After I past people I'd turn around and wink at them.

Since it was raining we decided to go to the movies. Gabbi and Cam wanted to watch chick flick and make out in the back, but Chris and I 'needed to talk.'

"What's up?" I tried to sound cheerful, but I knew bad news was coming.

"You know I care about you- I love you." Oh no he's breaking up with me. I looked down and nodded. "I'm leaving soon."  He said touching my knee. I starred at his hand. "I have to go stay with my brother for a while." His brother came to visit some months ago from Mexico. "Trust me I don't want to leave. I'd never want to leave you... My dad is going to jail, and so my brother needs help caring for my brothers and sisters."

"I understand." A tear ran down. Damn it, I hate crying. Chris wiped the tear off my cheek with his thumb.

"I'm coming back though."

"When." I sniffled.

"I don't know." A silence went by.

"So are we breaking up?" Another tear came down. Chris kissed me on the cheek, right  where the tear was.

"Soy miedo así, princess." He engulfed me in a hug that lasted 30 minutes. I kid you not, this was the best hug in my life. He was so warm and smelled so good. I could feel his shirt soaking up with tears.

From that moment I decided to never love again. Satisfaction is a distant memory to me now. For now on I'm emotionally unavailable. My heart has been broken twice. First Jaiden, now Chris. I mean... Even though he said he'll be back, things can change when when he comes back. Obviously things did with Jaiden. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be in love or happy. Maybe I'm just here to be miserable. I have to face the fact that we're all lonely because it's human nature. My grandma used to always tell me that, "pain makes people change." Now I understand what she meant. It's like when you grow up, your heart dies. Now that I'm older and I've lost so many people close to me, I've learned that it's dangerous to love anything at all. Never love anything.
---
Chris brought me home. He shed a few tears in my driveway. I wiped them off with my sleeve. "You won't forget me will you?"

" nah you're worth remembering." Pulling me to his lap. We just sat there for twenty minutes. Then finally he said "you should go now. I leave early..." I kissed him and left before he finished.
---
When I got home I FaceTimed Gabbi and Ashlyn, to tell them everything. They were as surprised as I was, and also very comforting. I took a shower hoping I'd feel better, but it only helped a little. I sat on my window seat, put in my earphones, and gazed at the stars. I was listening to "I needed you" by blackbear. And suddenly all the love songs were about him.
---
💜hey guys! It was so hard writing this... I was seriously in my feelings with this. I hope you enjoyed!

💜who's your favorite boy? Lemme know.

💜questions, comments, suggestions? Lemme know.

💜I love you more than cookies.🍪❤️