Not So Prince Charming

Skinny-Dipping, Dates, and the Daily Mail

"Hey, Phil. You see that tree? Over there, look. There's this lake behind it. One time, some duchess and I went skinny dipping in it. Fun times," Dan says, sighing fondly. Next to him, walking down one of Hyde Park's many pathways, Phil ogles at the prince curiously.

"Which one?" he immediately demands, turning on his companion.

Dan shrugs - but does little to wipe the proud smirk off his face. "I can't remember. Probably for the best, though. She was, like, twenty years older than me. Esther did her nut in when she found out."

They falter to a stop, and then - to Dan's surprise - Phil suddenly releases a snort of laughter, followed by inherent chuckles.

"Really?" the prince exclaims, genuinely astounded as Phil grips at his sides helplessly. "That made you laugh, but nothing for my incredibly well-crafted pun - which, may I add, had the Emperor of Japan in hysterics all evening the last time I used it."

"That's so stupid!" Phil replies between barks of laughter. "Why is it you have a ridiculous anecdote for every significant landmark that we pass?"

Dan huffs with annoyance, and turns away, frowning. "I don't know what you mean," he retorts airily, folding his arms with particular emphasis - a tell-tale sign of his, one that Phil has already picked up in the short time they had spent together so far.

"Oh, really?" Phil says - and then, as though having been given a particularly satisfying challenge, he narrows his eyes. "Big Ben."

"Ah, that doesn't count," Dan quickly objects, smiling nervously. "We had innocent intentions, I swear. She only wanted to see the bell - who was I to deny her that? Besides, it wasn't my fault we got stuck in there. And it certainly wasn't my fault that we had nothing else to do to pass the time. Bad luck, really, her husband - the Duke - catching us like that..."

"Christ," Phil mutters, and then goes on to say, louder this time: "Okay then. The Tower of London."

Dan sighs fondly. "A beautiful landmark, really. And so old!"

Phil raises his eyebrows expectedly.

Seeing this, Dan surrenders. "It definitely wasn't my fault that I got food poisoning, okay?" he says hotly. "And I definitely did not intend on ruining the princess' dress like that. Look, two times," he quickly adds. "So sue me!"

Looking triumphant, Phil sings: "The Houses of Parliament," in an agonisingly slow, pointed manner, which sets the prince's teeth on edge.

"All right, I get it!" Dan exclaims. "I definitely should not have started that food fight. In my defence, though, I stopped as soon as the Lord Speaker got hit. It was the other politicians that insisted on finishing. Can we talk about something else now, please?"

"Actually," Phil replies - having, in the meantime, become distracted, "I think that would be for the best." And with that, he grabs Dan's jacket and drags him behind a nearby tree.

Unused to such manhandling, the prince looks indignant. "Hands off!" he cries, squirming to get out of Phil's grip. "What is your problem?"

"Listen," he retorts, reducing his voice to a faint whisper. "I'm not entirely sure, but I'm getting the feeling that we're being followed."

Expecting the prince to look horrified, or better yet, prepared to act, Phil's jaw drops in astonishment when Dan instead looks bored.

"Oh, really?" he yawns. "Big news."

Frustrated, Phil snaps. "Look!" he exclaims, and moves away from the tree long enough to point to a bench on the other side of the pathway. On it, two people are sat, side by side.