late night thoughts.

tired.

I'm so done with everything. All i'm trying to do is be happy but every time I find something that makes me happy it ends up falling apart. i just cant do it anymore. "it gets better" that's all bullshit and I cant believe I told people that. Truth is it gets better for a little bit and then everything gets worse. I've been trying so hard to be happy for years and I just cant figure it out. I'm tired. I'm sick of the same things happening over and over to the point that I don't even want to be here anymore. I don't see a future for myself but i'm also afraid of dying. So I get drunk a lot hoping that sooner than later it will destroy my liver and ill be gone, or I smoke whatever I can hoping it'll destroy my lungs and ill get what I want without having to do it myself.  Because honestly i'm as weak as they come and i'm not tough or fearless like I act, i'm the opposite. I hate myself so much but I hate when other people are down on themselves because I don't want anyone else to feel like I do. I'm just done trying with everything and I give up.