Life On The Inside

Chapter 13

Several more days had passed, the man was ready to go back. Once he had arrived at the prison, lockdown was over. They used a different entrance to take the man to solitary confinement, one away from other inmates. "Well you're in here sunshine." The guard said to him. The man sighed and walked in. The guard handed him several books then closed the door. He recognised them. 'Of mice and men,' 'to kill a mockingbird,' 'animal farm,' 'The Millennium Trilogy.'  These books all had something in common. They were all his own books. They'd obviously gone into his home to get these books, what was left of his home." He set the books down on his bed, then lay there, silently. Contemplating.

He assumed he'd be treated like he was in solitary, however that clearly wasn't the case. He picked up one of the books and began to read. It was a collection of work by Edgar Allan Poe. He had read his work hundreds of times over and he did so in prison. Before he finished reading the poems in the book, his dinner had arrived. "Your medication is on the side inmate." The man took the plate and was left alone to eat. He continued to read while eating, it really made him think. What if I stop taking my medication? He decided to try it.

He threw his tablets into the toilet and flushed it down. The man got back to what he was doing, which was just laying on the bed and thinking. He thought about the time his mother had kicked him out.

It was around midnight, the man was only sixteen years old. His mother had let him back into the house after five weeks. The day started as everyday did. With the two of them fighting over rent payment and his mother wasting money on drugs and booze.

On his way to out to see his friends, he took a bottle of Jack Daniels from the cupboard. It was the only bottle left in the house at that time. When his mother returned from the bathroom she noticed immediately.

Meanwhile the man was having a blast of a time with his friends. Drinking, smoking, vandalising. It was a good day out for them. He got home just before midnight. His mother, waiting for him in the living room. "I see you're back." His mother said. The man just nodded at her and went off. "Hold on. Why did you take my bottle? That was the last one I had." She got up and walked over to him, grabbing his hands and looking at them. "Because you shouldn't be drinking mom. You drink too much already." He pulled his hands away, turned around and began walking to the couch. "I don't care boy. Don't touch my stuff. It was mine to drink. Not yours. You hear me?!" She began to raise her voice. He wasn't really paying her any attention since he was just trying to ignore her. "Listen to me you little shit. I'm talking to you!"
"It's not my fault you're an alcoholic is it? All day long you just drink and drink and drink. Everyday I come home and you're off your face or passed out on the floor. Tell me mom have you ever woken up on the floor? No. You don't go to bed or sleep on the couch. I'm the one who has gotta put you there. Otherwise, you'd just be laying on the floor in a puddle of your own vomit." His voice began to break, but not with sorrow but with anger. He was tired of doing that for her every night.

"Well I don't care. I'm paying the bills and so long as you're living under my room. You do as you're told."
"No. Fuck that. Maybe if you stopped drinking we'd be okay. And I'll still do whatever I want mom. You can't look after yourself, so how do you look after me?"
Those words lit a fire inside her. She turned incredibly angry. She screamed loudly an grabbed him by his arm. "Okay then you little shit. You can fuck off you."
"Ma wait. Let me get me get my fucking coat."
"Little prick just leave!" She threw him out, giving him a kick to make sure he fell over, to give herself time to lock the door. He began banging on the door asking her to open it. After just two minutes, he gave up and went to one of his friends houses.

The man stopped thinking about that altercation. It was too painful for him. He tried keeping his strength, but it was too much. He fell to his side, burying his face into the pillow and began crying. The tears had already stained his jump suit and now they'd stain his bedding. "I'm sorry ma. I should've been there for you. Maybe I wouldn't be here if I did. Maybe you'd still be alive too." He broke down again but even harder this time. He didn't make a sound, but the tears rushed out, like a tap someone hadn't closed. The realisation finally hit him. He loved his mother and they ended on such a bad note. He never got the chance to fix it.

The man had stopped crying eventually. He was still in the same position as before, only difference now was that he was on his side. It started to eat away at him. His body felt numb, empty but tingly. It was like the static from a tv. All these emotions, feelings combined only made each individual feeling and emotion much worse. He didn't know how much longer he could take it. Just before sunset the man would be taken for recreation. He would only get around eight hours in a week.

The same routine followed everyday. He would be woken up with his breakfast, taken out to shower, lunch, dinner and finally recreation. In between meals the man would read. He tried to read as slow as possible, he didn't have many books and since he had already read them all at least once, it would be better if he made them last.

A few long, but rather peaceful months had passed. The issues he had outside of prison, in his life before prison, still ate away at his body. His brain. His mental health. He hadn't experienced any episodes, which he was incredibly thankful for. He was back on his medication too. The insomnia had finally stopped. The numb, empty, fuzzy feeling was getting worse. It stopped him from doing simple thinks, like peeing accurately or standing up still and straight.

One morning as he was being taken to shower, he asked the guards, "officer, who can I talk to about getting moved back to general population?" The guard was slightly surprised. "General population? You really wanna go back?" The man nodded slowly as he undressed to take a shower. The guard left the room to give him some privacy.

Once the man had come out after drying himself off he saw the guard who had helped him so much at the prison. "Inmate I'll speak to someone about moving you back. If that's what you want." The guard just walked off, allowing for the first guard to escort the man back to his cell. It filled him with joy knowing he had a friend helping him out so much. Despite the fact they didn't even know anything about each other. While they walked back to the cell, the officer handed the man a slip of paper, the man entered his cell, closed the door, letting the guard lock it and leave. He opened the paper up to read it. It was a letter from Natalie.

He read her name at the top and immediately an insane amount of happiness and excitement came over his body. His heart began to race, his stomach filled with butterflies. The letter smelt like her perfume, he recognised it almost immediately.

The letter wasn't anything exciting to anyone, it simply mentioned how she was doing in life. It also mentioned that she would try visiting him within the next couple of months. Once the man had finished reading it, he folded it back up and slid it into his waist band.

For the first time in years, he went to bed happy. He vowed to myself to try to better himself. Even if he wasn't going to be free again he would try.