Careless Love

My lover-boy

I knew a lot of sweet guys and I loved all of them so much, but there was this one guy I couldn't love. It was not because he was not sweet - he was sweet. He was terrific, really, but loving him would be social suicide. Talking about him, having a conversation with him and looking at him would send me straight to the place where my friends (and especially my best friend) makes fun of me and says that I love him and he loves me. He was not even that great. He wore the same clothes everyday, he smiled his little precious smile to every girl he knew and he never let me touch his light-brown hair. He had gentle green eyes - nothing special there. He was pretty tall, maybe a couple of centimetres taller than me. He was thin but it looked great on him. He wasn't dangerously thin at all. He just didn't eat as much as he probably should. His skin was extremely pale and his cheeks looked so baby-soft. His hair was a bit long, curly and - as I said before - light-brown. His nails were perfect; he washed his hands! His nails were not dirty at all, meaning he probably washed his hands a lot.

As for me, I was not really that special and beautiful. I was, most of the time, very insecure about my looks. I think that was why I almost always blushed when I talked to guys. Oh, - I blushed hell of a lot and I hated it so much. I had blue, sorrowful eyes with a mix of green and grey. I found them magnetizing. I tended to cry a lot so maybe that was why my eyes looked so sorrowful and dark. Okay, so maybe I was a bit sensitive, but I did not cry in front of people. I had no reason to cry in front of people and make it seem like I was weak. I cried in front of a television, my computer or while reading a book. Almost everything that has nothing to do with being social could make me cry. My hair was naturally straight with a few waves that I hated. I have promised myself never to set my hair up in a ponytail or a bun, since the shape of my head looks ugly when I don't have hair around it. My hair was light-brown, by the way. I was very thin. I didn't do sports, I didn't like very much food and sometimes I didn't eat for a whole day. I didn't wanna develop an eating disorder or anything and I didn't want to be thin - I just was thin and there's nothing I could do about it. I did not choose to be skinny.

While looking around in class, my eyes had a bad habit of always landing on Andrew. I liked to study him and see what he was doing. Gosh, it really does sound like I was in love with him. Here's the deal; I was not in love with him and I did not have a crush on him. Like the wonderful Augustus Waters once said: ”I enjoy looking at beautiful people, and decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence.” I agreed with him, though I do not find Drew beautiful. I just founs him cute and perhaps a bit attractive. After looking at him, my eyes landed on the best guy friend I had.

This guy was the guy I was supposed to be in love with, but every single girl fell in love with him one day or another and I hated that I couldn't be like them. He was attractive, sweet, funny and we had always so much fun together, but I just didn't find myself be in love with him. I was a Monica Geller in that situation: He was so perfect. He was so perfect and I wanted to be in love with him, but all the feelings I felt for him was only friendly. He had short light-brown hair with a lot of wax in it and it always looked so good. He had a few freckles here and there on his face. He had blue eyes - like me! - and they were much more magnetizing than mine. His laugh was cute, a bit loud and weird, but still cute. He had a perfect body and I was so sure he had six pack unlike the other guys I knew. He almost always wore denim vests that looked so damn good on him. He actually reminded me very much of Will Schuester; they look kinda the same! I keep forgetting to tell you the name of the people I describe. The first person I described was Andrew, better known as Drew. The second person I described was, ah, Jessica, better known as Jess. The third person I described was Heath, better known as Heath.

”... and today we shall talk about the person you love.” My head turned left so my eyes could look at my best friend. She had boring green eyes, dark-brown straighten hair and she was the biggest drama queen I knew. Her skin colour was a mix of tanned and pale, and yes, it looked as confusing as it sounds. Her hair was typically set up in a cool ponytail and it looked great on her. I would have called me and my best friend the two losers in the school, though we were friends with almost everyone at our age from school. Or at least I was. I had a lot of friends but I also disliked a lot of people, sometimes I even disliked some of my friends. My friends tried to make it seem like they liked my best friend and all that, but they just didn't like her. My best friend did not understand why they didn't like her and every time she asked me why they didn't like her, I just said the original ”i don't know”. But I knew exactly why they didn't like her. Anything could piss her off and when she got pissed off, all you would wanna do is sit in a corner and scream or cry while she is yelling at you. She would say the meanest things about you and she would mean all of them. She never apologized, because she was not able to see what she should apologize for. She was also very creepy sometimes and acted like a lesbian. I didn't have anything against lesbians, but the way she acted like she was a lesbian was terrifying and made me feel uncomfortable. Her lesbian jokes was normal but when she said them, they were terrifying. Of course I still loved her and she was not always the person almost everybody disliked. She was cool and her name was nothing less than Sophie.

”Which one? My dad, mom, big brother, stepfather, you or one of my friends? Maybe one of the many celebrities I love?” I joked, knowing ”which one” she was talking about. She was obviously talking about Drew. She was always talking about Drew and our ”love” that happened to not exist.

”One of your friends, better known as your lover-boy. Drew, remember?” she said and cracked a smile. I did not smile back. Actually, I looked back on Drew for a few seconds, whereafter I looked at my best friend and prepared myself to join a new discussion with her about how I did not love him.

”Okay, first of all; he isn't my lover. Second of all; he isn't my boy. And that's why he is not my lover-boy,” I argued while raising my black eyebrows. Still smiling, a girly laugh came out of her mouth and she also looked at Drew for a few seconds.

”Fine then. Maybe I should just call him your boyfriend,” she argued back.

”He is not .... -”

”He may not be your boy, but he is your friend. Am I right?” she interrupted me. I rolled my eyes and stared on the table we were sitting by. ”You're right...” I mumbled, hating she was right about that one thing. Me and him were friends, maybe not good friends, but friends we were. We sometimes talked about the things we liked and we had a lot of things in common. He was fun to have a conversation with, and online he used a lot of smileys that made him seem to silly - which he was. He was a silly guy and that was why he was my friend.

”Well, I'm always right,” Sophie responded.

”Sophie, I love you and all that but can you seriously stop saying he is my boyfriend? I've told you a million times that he isn't my boyfriend and that I'm not in love with him! And even if he was my boyfriend, I would love for you to leave us alone,” I said to her, expecting her to come with a serious response or look in her face. But nothing happened. She just looked the exactly same as she did before.

”You want me to leave you alone if he was your boyfriend. So basically what you're saying is that you two are together?! Oh my God, I'm so happy for you two!” she fangirled loudly. She turned back to Drew and that was when my cheeks turned red like a tomato. ”Hey, Drew!” she kept shouting until he looked at her. After looking at her for three seconds, he looked at me. He probably found it amusing that I was blushing but because of my blushing he perhaps already knew what my best friend was about to say to him.

”It makes me so happy that you and Jess are finally together,” she fangirled, still shouting a bit so Drew could hear her. I was sitting on my chair by the table, covering my face with my girly hands.

”Wait? They are together?” a person decided to jump in and say. This person was a boy and one of Drew's friends.

”What?!” two of my friends by the other table screamed and suddenly everybody was staring at me or Drew. Fuck, fuck, shit, shit, fuck, shit, fuck. That happened every fucking day and I was so fucking tired of it! I just wanted to stand on the table and scream that I was not in love with Drew and he was not in love with me.

”Finally,” another person decided to say. Okay, that was it. I was gonna turn the blurred lines un-blurred. I got up from the chair, got up on it and placed my feet on the very light-brown table made of wood. When I was just about to say something, our teacher decided to come in and interrupt what should've been my precious speech. Now I was blushing even more and I felt so embarrassed I almost could not breathe. ”Get down from the table, young lady!” our teacher yelled and I instantly got off from the table and sat down on my chair. Fucking shit fuckity fuck.