The I In Lie [Phan]

Chapter Six

CHAPTER SIX
"Dan, I love having you here, but don't you think you should check on Phil?"
Dan bit his lip, his eyes focused intently at the pictures of possible wedding suites.  Slowly, he glanced up at her through his eyelashes and he could see the small frown on her pink lips.
"He's fine," Dan responded in a small voice.
"Are you sure?" asked Astrid. "You've been here almost all week-You've barely gone home.  I know what it's like to have depressed friends and sometimes it's hard to tell if they're alright or not.  I honestly think you should check on him, I don't want him to do anything drastic."
Dan sighed and let his head fall back onto the couch cushions.  He knew he should be back home, he should be making sure Phil was alright.  But he couldn't bring himself to look at Phil-let alone talk to him.  The guilt was all too much.
"Dan, are you okay?"
Dan's eyes flickered back to Astrid's face as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.
"I'm fine," he murmured, forcing a small smile.
The smile felt wrong on his lips.  He felt like he shouldn't be allowed to smile-real or fake.  He had done too many bad things and didn't deserve to be happy.  He didn't even deserve to fake being happy.
"I-I think I'm gonna head home," muttered Dan.
Astrid nodded. "Okay."
"I'll see you soon," Dan promised as he stumbled to his feet.
He pecked her softly on the lips before turning to head out of the door.
When he returned to his flat, everything was eerily quiet.   It was as if the entire world knew something bad was going to happen and it was already mourning.  Dan could feel anxiety returning to his stomach and he quickly took three deep breaths, placing his hand below his diaphragm.  He shouldn't be getting this nervous about talking to Phil.   It was Phil for god's sake.
As Dan slowly made his way up the stairs, a familiar sound met his ears.  A sound that made his stomach clench and his hands shake.  The sound of someone crying.  Well, maybe crying wasn't the right word.  More like sobbing.  The heart wrenching, cry until you think you're going to throw up type of sobbing.
Dan forced himself to speed up, rushing towards the sound.  He came to a halt next to the bathroom and his heart rate sped up.  This couldn't be anything good.
Dan quickly knocked against the door, crying out Phil's name in urgency.  The crying subsided slightly and Dan sighed sadly, knowing his friend was trying to muffle the heartbreaking sounds.
"Phil, please let me in," Dan pleaded.
Phil sniffled and choked back a sob before responding. "Y-You're no-ot us-sually-y ho-om-me unt-til la-ate."
Dan flinched at the cracking in his friend's voice.
"I know," he said. "And I'm sorry.  But I'm here now so please open the door."
No response.  The only thing Dan could hear from the other side of the door was Phil's small sobs.  After awhile Dan was finally ready to just give up and wait until Phil left to get something to eat (he couldn't stay in there forever) before confronting him, but before he could even move two steps the door was slowly creaking open and Phil's tear stained face was staring through the crack between the door and the wall.
"Phil," Dan said breathlessly.
Phil didn't say anything in response.  He just stared up at the younger boy, looking rather small.
"Phil, why don't you come out and we can talk?" suggested Dan, quietly.
Phil silently fiddled with his hands, his eyes darting down to stare at his feet.
"Okay," he agreed after a moment.
He slowly pushed the door open, his gaze not moving from the floor.  Dan's eyes darted down, a small sigh escaping his lips as he noticed the bandages on Phil's ankles.  Dan almost felt as if he had been deflated.  There had been some small part of him that had hoped Phil hadn't done anything to hurt himself.  But he should've known that the universe wouldn't play that nice.
"Did you at least clean the cuts?" Dan asked, taking Phil's hands in his own.
Phil nodded quickly.
"Okay," murmured Dan. "C'mon.  Let's talk about this somewhere else."
He quietly led the older boy into his room, letting them both collapse on the black and gray duvet.  Dan bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to decide what would be the best thing to say in this situation.  Eventually, the only thing he could think of to say was:
"Why?"
Phil shuffled his legs anxiously, flinching slightly.
"I..." Phil exhaled through his nose, his lower lip worming its way between his teeth. "You were gone for so long.  I hardly saw you anymore.  I just thought...I thought I had done something wrong..." his last words came out as a whisper
"Oh god," mumbled Dan. "Phil, I promise you did nothing wrong.  If anything, I did something wrong.  I should've been here for you."
"It's okay," Phil said with a tight-lipped smile.
"It's not," Dan insisted. "I was feeling guilty after..." Dan paused to swallow, as if it would rid him of the nervousness he was feeling. "after the kiss.  But that's not an excuse to ignore you.  Look, if I ever do that again, you just come right up and slap me across the face."
A small chuckle escaped Phil's lips and Dan felt some sort of pride at the fact that he was able to make Phil laugh during this time, even if it was just for a few seconds.
"Why did you kiss me?" Phil asked, sounding small.
Dan sighed. "I dunno.  It just sort of felt right.  I mean, it couldn't have been right because I'm engaged and I cheated on my fiancé.  Oh god, Phil, I cheated on my fiancé!"
"It'll be okay Dan-"
"No, Phil, it's not okay!  Cheaters are bad people Phil!  Have you ever read a story where the cheater is the good guy‽  No!"
"Dan, you're not a bad person," Phil smiled softly. "You just got caught up.  It's okay."
"It's not okay!"
Phil's eyes darted back down.  "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Dan insisted. "You have nothing to be sorry for.  This is all my fault."
Phil chewed anxiously on his lower lip, his bright eyes staring at their still interlocked hands.
"So the kiss didn't mean anything?" he asked, quietly. "It was just a spur of the moment type of thing?"
"Okay, here's the thing.  I think I like you too," Dan answered honestly. "You're really cute and nice and overall a good person.  But I'm getting married.  And it sucks that I discovered this now because we could've been something, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with Astrid.  So I think it's best if we just stay friends."