journals - phan

two [april 21-25]

WARNING: this part of the story may have some triggering actions, such as slight emotional abuse and gay slurs.

april 21, nighttime. it's been two days since dad got back from his work traveling. it had been an amazing week until he arrived. he does it the same every time. he walks in, slams the door, and yells, 'how is my beautiful family?' i always roll my eyes when he says that. it keeps the facade that we are a happy and functional family. two days ago, he didn't ask how we were. he slammed the door a bit louder than normal. martyn and i opened our doors at the same time and made eye contact. he knew that i was scared for what was about to come.

"martyn, phil, come downstairs," phil's mother said, with no infliction in her voice at all. the brothers walked down their carpeted stairs, and phil was walking behind his sibling, praying that his dad wouldn't be too angry that day. in fact, he was completely calm; sitting at the table and drinking a coffee.
"philip, i heard you went on a date with a boy on saturday." phil felt a bad feeling in his stomach, and he shook his head. "i was hanging out with a boy from school," he said, biting his lip nervously afterwards. "don't you get it, philip? you're gay. a fucking faggot. i have had to deal with this since you came out to us, but dating a boy? how is it to be a pillow-biter?" phil's dad took a sip of his coffee and looked at his two boys. martyn looked over to his right, and he could see his younger brother's eyes welling up with tears. now, being the older brother, he had always picked on phil, and when he came out, he had a hard time, but that was seven years ago. "dad, don't say that about him. it's been ages since he told you who he is; accept it already." the boys' father stood up from his seat at their round table. "i am your father, i get to speak to you in any way i prefer. if i call you names, don't get your penetrated ass in a twist, philip. and martyn, i don't want attitude from you. i'll take away your car in an instant. go upstairs, boys." he turned around and the brothers were still standing there. "now!"

april 22. i'm scared to go downstairs to walk out of the house and to school, because i know my father will be there, in the kitchen, watching me and saying horrible things to me. i can't deal with being called a faggot three thousand times a day. it hurts. it hurts so much to know that my own dad can't accept that i'm gay. i'm not a perfect straight guy who plays sports and is snogging girls left and right. i've never even kissed anybody, let alone be a 'pillow-biter.' i'm going downstairs anyway.

phil dressed in a red flannel and his regular black jeans. he grabbed his backpack and quickly went down the stairs of his house, when, to his surprise, dan was waiting for him. he was just calmly sat on the lester's sofa, on his phone. "hi, phil. your mum let me in. she said to tell you that her and your dad are running errands." "uh, okay. not to be rude, dan, but why are you here?" dan chuckled. "it's raining, phil. you can't be forced to walk in the rain." phil shrugged. "okay, shall we leave?" the taller boy stood up, and shook his car keys to make a jingling noise. he unlocked his vehicle as they walked outside, and phil closed the door to his house behind him. that's when he noticed dan's peculiar outfit. 'what the hell?' phil thought, as he looked at dan's legs. it seemed that he was wearing skintight leggings with huge pockets. it did make his long legs look quite nice, though.
as they got into dan's car, phil looked to his right, at dan, who was already looking at him. they both laughed, and dan spoke first. "phil, your dad... he doesn't seem like he liked me." phil bit his lip and looked down at his feet. "he thinks you're my boyfriend or something, and he is quite the homophobe." dan felt his face warm, and he started to drive. the rest of the ride, neither boy talked, but the faint sound of dan's favorite muse song was in the background.

april 23. dan didn't talk to me at all during the school, and he didn't text me last night, either. i don't know what i did. he's probably out with christine or something.

what phil didn't know was that dan was at home, dealing with his own problems. his parents were never there, and all he had was his brother and dog. you can't get good advice about the boy you love from an animal and a little brother. "fuuuuuck," dan groaned, as he flopped onto his bed, thinking about phil and his eyes, and his smile...

april 24. it's friday, and it's the last period, six minutes before the bell rings. anime club is in six minutes. dan has been avoiding me the last two days, and it's bothering me. i want to stop him and ask what's wrong. he's drawing again. i'm looking
it's me he's drawing me what the fuck dan howell is drawing me???!!!!!

"dan," phil said, walking quickly to catch up with the brunette boy walking in front of him. dan ignored phil, and that only made him more annoyed and confused. "dan howell." ignored again. "daniel james howell," phil said, tugging on dan's jumper sleeve. "yes, philip?" 'you've been ignoring me for two days, dan. what's wrong?" dan shrugged. "nothing, phil. let's just go to the meeting." they walked in silence to the room full of other anime 'geeks' and the six girls who loved dan.
phil looked around the room and found an empty seat between felicity and another guy. he remembered the girl from the movies on saturday, and it seemed like she remembered phil, as well. "hi, philip," she said softly, while smiling. "you can call me phil, felicity." phil said, fiddling with his shirt. dan was watching the whole exchange between the two, and obviously, phil hadn't caught on to the fact that felicity really liked him. dan felt a surge of jealousy, and crossed his arms then sat across from phil in the circle. he tried to catch phil's eye the whole meeting, but to no avail.

felicity and phil walked out together, talking about hunterxhunter, and their favorite characters in that show. dan was already in his car, so he got out and called to phil. "hi, phil! i'll happily give you a ride again." phil looked over at dan and nodded. he and felicity hugged, which really pissed dan off. phil was his boyf- no, he wasn't. dan had convinced himself that he would be dating phil. 'that's probably never going to fucking happen,' he thought, as phil got into the passenger seat. "you're not-" phil was interrupted by dan, who was querying about felicity. "is that your girlfriend? she has nice hair. even if she isn't, is she nice? she better be nice to you." phil laughed at dan's sudden questions. "she just started talking to me today, i don't know if we're even friends." dan looked away, and rolled his eyes. phil was clueless, the girl obviously loved him. "okay, let's go."

five minutes into the car ride, phil started speaking again. "i didn't know you could draw." dan's eyes widened and he quickly looked over at phil. "what are you talking about?" he asked frantically. "you draw me very well." dan started driving a bit faster. "oh, yeah. that's for art, we have to draw our best friend." phil giggled, and dan felt butterflies of happiness and nervousness in his stomach. phil knew he was lying. "dan, we have literally every class together, and one of them is not art. why are you drawing me?" after he asked that question, phil received a text.
unknown: hi, phil, this is felicity!!! i found your number in the student directory.. just wanted 2 say hoii
dan ignored phil's question and looked over at the boy's phone while he pulled into the driveway. 'it's felicity. what the fuck,' dan thought to himself as phil was texting back. now, dan was a boy that got easily jealous, but this is the most annoyed he had ever been over one of his friends talking to someone else. phil wasn't just a friend, he was a crush. more than a crush, the most adorable and perfect human that dan had ever met. his jealousy was obvious, and phil started to catch on. "dan, you seem a bit upset. i'll go home now, thank you for the ride." phil opened the door and dan's heart started to race. was he really going to do this? and so soon? he pulled phil gently by the shirt, and towards him. they were so close; their noses almost touching. both of their hearts were racing. dan whispered, "phil. please, i don't know if you were trying to, but you made me so jealous today. i want you to be mine, and just mine. i have felt the strongest attraction to you since the last year primary school; you helped me determine my sexuality. i kind of love you, phil lester." phil's heart almost burst out of his chest as dan spoke to him, and he was the one to lean into the kiss. their lips touched, and it really did seem like sparks were ignited. yet, phil pulled away after dan tried to deepen the kiss. "i need to get inside, dan," he said, straightening  his shirt up and getting out of the car. "text me tonight, please." "i promise i will, phil."

dan laid in his bed, wondering if he should send the text or not. he pressed the send button, and bit his lip, then turned off his phone and went to sleep.

phil's phone lit up at exactly 2:36 am.
danny: i love you. please go on an actual date with me, phil lester. it'll be the best one you've ever been on.