True Confessions of a Teacher

Chapter 4

Fun without safety wouldn't be fun. That incident in Sandy Hook elementary school made me decide to take karate classes. I wanted to be able to defend my students just in case...

"Hi Ms. M!" some kindergarteners hollered as they passed by in an orderly fashion.  I managed to wave back at them even though my eyes were glued towards buckling each baby in.

"Ladies and gentlemen," their eyes suddenly twinkled as I started my usual goofy announcement, pushing the wagon out of the gate towards the tiny parking lot. "Welcome to Kids Flight ABC-123! This is your Captain speaking and we are currently cruising at an altitude of 12,000 feet and an airspeed of 300 miles per hour."

I grinned happily at the other two teachers who stood at the playground overhearing me say, "The weather looks good and we are expecting to land in Manila ahead of schedule."

My little ones giggled along, a beautiful sound, as if they were showing me some higher level of comprehension at the entertainment I was trying to give. I laughed at my silliness even as I pushed the heavy cart, describing to them where Manila is and what it looks like.

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3:00. There was something about the humid breeze touching my cheeks that brought sad memories rushing in.  Episodes from the past that had never been resolved. All these years I've kept on convincing myself that I tried my best to protect my students.  But apparently, my best wasn't good enough.

What could one teacher do against so many? Up to now, I still could not understand why nobody had ever openly supported me at all. Not even my own colleagues.  Several high school boys and girls were raped and sexually abused by the school clerk and the librarian.  They cried to me for help, but they never got any justice at all.

Until then, I've never doubted myself so much as a teacher.  Does justice really exist in this world? What more could I have done to give them the voice they needed?

I talked to the victims' parents and they wouldn't file a complaint. I informed the PTO but until everything had been legally processed, there was nothing else they could do. 

I had put my reputation at stake to prove that there was truth to all the hearsays circulating around the campus. I was hated and slammed hard with words of persecutions by my own co-workers during the meetings.  And that was all I could do. 

That was all I could do.

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I also thought about Ms. Montgomery. She was the kindest, most down-to-earth, respectable boss I've ever had. She was a very smart lady. I admired her most for her holiness, she could definitely walk the spirituality talk. And unlike the victims' parents from my other school, she would probably file a complaint against injustice in a heartbeat. But she didn't.

I shut my eyes for one long minute and took a deep breath. I had never questioned my faith until this whole thing happened...

Well, I had taught in a Christian school and there's this young pastor who practically destroyed Ms.Montgomery's life. To some extent, he had also destroyed mine and some other teachers.  Ms. Montgomery and him had this healthy connection at the beginning of the year but that had changed when she in a motherly fashion had told him to behave appropriately in front of our students... like a pastor, like an adult, and not like a college kid. Well... he liked being goofy around kids, and kids adored him. But apparently he didn't take the advice well. He made life difficult for Ms. Montgomery and started to spread ill rumors about her among the parents and even worse, deliberately harassed her on the job.

I knew about it because she had cried to me every time she got publicly shamed during School Committee meetings. But providing her a shoulder to cry on made me leave the school I've considered home for six years.

I left broken-hearted.  So did Lyla.  That was the school my daughter grew up in.... the school she had a good circle of friends.  That was the school I staged yearly concerts and videos... the school where my kids won top prizes in the national level.

All these years, I had protected my eighth graders from knowing the truth.  Really, they didn't need to know what exactly happened between him and Ms. Montgomery, and why I wasn't going to be back the following year.  Not at that time. It just wouldn't be the right thing to do.  All I wanted them to know was that everything was perfectly fine, and that they should celebrate their middle school graduation. Besides... as a teacher, it's my job to only sow good seeds in my students' hearts and to see them off at the end of the year with happy memories of their childhood.

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I parked the wooden wagon under the only tree at the center of the circle, and took a long sip of my now lukewarm water.  For a minute, I wondered what life could have been like for me if I had not left.  Maybe I would have still been trapped in an unhappy marriage.  Maybe I wouldn't have met Miles.  Maybe I wouldn't be here at all.

My heart has seen so many battles in my life. Hard times happen for a reason and I was getting better at facing life.  My family, they kept me strong. They were always there to support me even when they were halfway across the world. Someday, I'll see them again... to thank them for making me feel I wasn't all by myself.

So I started singing my own version of the ABC song which the kids immensely enjoyed.