I have failed. Not only as a loving person, but as a human. God this song makes me want to cry.
Okay let's catch up now. I was in love with Ethan for four years. I'm pretty sure I still am. Words can't describe how good I felt to be around him. How he made me feel alive. But how he also made me feel like shit.
How I felt a pang of jealousy everytime he got a new girlfriend. But I lived and breathed for him. I loved him. And I'm positive that if I were to see him again I would realize how much I still loved him.
I didn't fall out of love.
The love I had for him just subsided. Shoved to the back of my heart, but is always ready to pounce back to life if I were to see him again. What I would give to see him again. Not to try to start something.
But to test my theory of still being madly in love with him, even after a year of not being with him has changed anything. Anything at all. I want to feel my heart race out of control again. Nobody has been able to make that happen.
Not Eric, not Caden, not Justin, not Mason, and not even Mr.Drake Traynor. Some people may say that loving somebody is very, very hard, but I think loving is easy.
The hard part is realizing how hard it will be to forgive that person once they break your heart. God how I miss his eyes. His hazel eyes, so beautiful.
I would get lost in them.
I remember this one time we were in the cafeteria, and I got mad at something he said.
I got up (he was already standing) and faced him head on. I was so close to him. I was sure he could hear my heart beating out of control.
He looked into my eyes and then down at my lips, then back at me. Then my eyes "accidentally" looked down at his lips.
After a few more seconds (that really felt like hours, may I add) were over, we both looked away, shifting our bodies to look at our friends sitting on the table right next to us. Andrew, one of his friends, just kept looking between us two.
My face felt like a volcano, and when I looked up and glanced at Ethan he just smirked at me. Every girl wanted to be with him. Every guy wanted to be like him. And if you were with him, every girl envied you.
But you see there was so many things that were going on in his life and they still might be happening. His mom had strokes, his dad drank, he had two younger sibling he had to take care of (with him being the oldest. )
"Ugh I can't deal with this anymore!!!!!!!! Please. Make it stop. I'm trying, I really am. But it's just not gonna happen. I'm not enough for him. I will never be. I hate myself. I hate him for causing me to feel like this. Please. Help."
Almost everyday of my high school days consisted of this.
I loved him. I think I still might. But the thing is, I trust and love myself enough, to know that I will not be going down that path named Ethan again.
Not as long as I have a saying in it.
