I ponder of something great, my lungs will PHIL and DAN deflate.
Oml I hate myself
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I walked up to Phil after drama, he was sitting by a tree staring into space. "Hey." I said. "Why?" He asked. "Why would you do that?" "Payback, Phil. Now we're Even." "What payback? I've done nothing to you." "Really Phil? I could list off a thousand things you've done." Phil looked me in the eye,
"Like what?"
I exploded once more, "like what? LIKE WHAT?! BLOODY HELL PHIL! YOU TRY TO ACT INNOCENT WHEN YOU KNOW YOURE GUILTY! LETS LUST A FEW REASONS SHALL WE?! NUMBER ONE: YOU LEFT ME AND I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! YOU KNOW WHY PHIL? BECAUSE I DEPENDED ON YOU! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE THERE FOR ME LIKE YOU WERE FOR TEN YEARS PHIL! BUT HEY! I GUESS PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO PROVE ME WRONG DONT THEY?"
Tears were rolling down my cheeks, as Phil stared at me, guilt present on his face,
"OH AND THATS ONLY ONE REASON! I SAID I COULD LIST MORE DIDNT I? OKAY! NUMBER TWO! YOU LEFT RIGHT? BUT WHEN YOU LEFT YOU LEFT ME H-Helpless..."
I quieted down, Phil looked at me like I was a book with blank pages. Unable to read. "..Parents fighting.., confused about my gender.. I almost killed myself Phil." Tears streamed down my face.
"Danny.." He said. He tiled my chin upwards toward him. "Don't leave Danny." He said, "I need you.." Then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn't rough like the other ones, it was sweet and loving, I liked it. It wasn't forced, It wasn't heated, it was just two people sharing an act of love, because I loved Phil Lester.
But I would never tell him that, as I'm not ready. And I'm sure he doesn't feel the same.
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Phil pulled away, "Wanna come to my house?" He asked, Phils house. I hadn't been to Phils house in a year. I wonder if his mums even know what I look like anymore.. "-nny? Dan!" "What?" I asked to no one in particular, I was just shocked from being pulled out of a daydream, "I said, my mums asked about you." Phil repeated, "My mom didn't ask about you.. I whispered, "Are you saying I'm not worthy of being asked about Danny boy?" Phil joked, "No, I'm saying I don't live with my mum." "What happened Dan?" Phil asked, "it's nothing," I replied. "Dan it's obviously something. Just let me help." "No Phil. Let's just- go to your house.." I said, Phil nodded.
we walked to his car. "Dan?" Phil asked, "Phil." I replied. "Wh-What are we?" He asked. I could tell he was uncomfortable asking this question, "Well," I said putting my finger under Phils chin, "What do you want us to be?" Phil looked at my lips then at the ground. "Well.. I-I'd like you to be my boyfriend.." I smirked, "would you now?" "I would indeed." I smiled at him, "Well Mr.Lester, I'd like you to be my boyfriend too." "Good Mr. Howell." "It was nice doing business with you, Mr. Lester." "My pleasure. Mr.Howell." Damn, I wanted to kiss him.. But then he started driving.
We got to his house and he opened the front door, his mums weren't home, they didn't get off work til seven. I hugged Phil from behind, he kissed my forehead, "Well hey there baby," he said. "Hi." I said pecking his lips. "You're freaking adorable." "I know." "So," he said "what do you wanna do til my mums get home?" "Maybe watch a movie..?" I asked with big eyes, "Fine." Phil sighed. I sat down on the couch, and Phil did too.
About halfway in the movie, I realized something I really wanna kiss Phil. Like.. Really badly.. "Phil?" I asked, "Y-" and with that I crashed my lips onto his. I really hoped this boy wasn't using me, but he won't do that. Right? No, Phil wouldn't do that. I've known him for years, he's not like that.. Phil pulled away, "That was.." "Yeah.." "Can we do it again?" "Yeah."
I loved Phil Lester. But I would never tell him that.
Because I was not ready. And he would not feel the same.
