The Waiting Game (Lams)

Chapter 10

I'm on the floor. The doctors are still yelling for John to wake up, still yelling for him not to die. The ICU is such a depressing place. Its full of sobbing families, deaths, coma patients and muttering doctors. Sometimes you catch a word or two about another patient, maybe even the person you're there for. How I know? Back in Nevis after my cousin committed suicide, he was rushed to the hospital and put into the ICU, I stayed there for three days before he officially died. Now I'm back in a hospital, back to sitting on the floor rocking back and forth trying to block out the cries of the desperate doctors and wailing families. Back to the stuffy, Clorox smelling, death filled floor of hopelessness. I couldn't breathe then, I can't think now. There's a hand on my back, then a hand gripping one of mine, pulling me up and taking me down the hall. The Doctor's cries fade as we walk further. My eyes are squeezed shut. I am pulled into a room and sat down on a bed.

"Alexander?" A female's voice asked softly. I open my eyes. Angie is sitting across from me, on a separate bed. "Alexander, please say something."

"Why?" I hear myself say. It doesn't sound like me though, its a far away sounding voice. "Why didn't you let me inside his room?"

She shook her head. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it. "I'm on my break right now, so I can stay for about 20 minutes and talk." She was avoiding my question.

"Why?" I ask again.

She sat back down again her hands folded in her lap, her head bowed. She looked up to the ceiling and then back down before she answered. "I started working here when I was 24. I had gotten my associates degree in high school. During my junior and senior years I wasn't on my high school campus, I was at the colleges in the surrounding area. In my sophomore year I got a lot of slack for my interest. I was told I wouldn't get into a good college, I was told I wouldn't amount to anything. Told I would be cut off from everyone. Well they were all wrong. Very wrong. I got into an Ivy League college as a junior after graduating with honors from both high school and college. So why did I become a nurse? Because I wanted to help people. I wanted to save people. I wanted to be a mortal super hero. Also Nurse Shy sounds cool. I usually don't get attached to patients or their families. It makes losing them hard. But then you and your friends waltz in and suddenly? I'm like Death from The Book Thief, I break my rule and get emotionally involved. So why did I hold you back? John's heart stopped. He was dead. You wouldn't have been able to see it and be ok, see him in the same way ever again. You never forget what a dead friend looks like Alexander. Never."

I just stared. Why would she tell me all of this? Why did I need to know?

"Why am I telling you? Because I haven't told anyone else, and I needed to tell someone. Because in the past two days you've been here, I've talked with you and become your friend. Because you look like you have secrets holding you down. Because why the hell not. Because Alex, you need to know you can tell me more than just your name and the fact that there's a million things you haven't done. Because you need more friends than Hercules, Lafayette, Eliza, Peggy, Angelica, Maria and Aaron. Yes I know Burr as well. And you can actually talk to a human being besides a comatose cutie. Anyway, you can ask more questions now." She finishes.

I just laugh. I laugh and cry at the same time. I feel so overwhelmed and confused and heart broken and worn out. I feel empty. "Why am I already so infatuated with him even though I've only known him all of five days? Why did I even fall in love with him? Why does he have so many freckles? Why the hell does everyone I've ever loved end up dead or close to dead? Why can't life just help me out instead of screwing me over?" I just keep laughing.

"Why does anything happen?" She says quietly. I stop laughing and look at her.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.