The boy who lost, teen wolf AU.

"I loved and I loved and I lost you"

Stiles' P.O.V

I had been out for ages now, and I had 29 missed calls from Zara and quite a few messages from her too. But I didn't bother replying to anything. And to be frank, I felt horrible, she was the girl that loved me through five, long years, when I was struggling to love myself. See if there's anything I've realised in these years, it's that you should never love anyone more, my mom used to tell me the same thing when I was growing up. She told me never to be the one to love the other person more. I always found this odd, that is until I saw the way she loved my dad more, and the way he left brusises on her fragile heart. That was until when I found the love of my life dead because the boy she loved broke her heart countless times, until I found myself crying over someone that was never mine to begin with. Maybe that's why now I don't want to love anyone more, and I start to catch myself before I fall because I don't want to love more, I've seen what it does to people. But oh god I did love her more. I still do. I don't love Zara, I never have. Ever since Lydia's left, I've broke so many hearts, just because someone broke mine. But I don't know why Zara's stood by me, after everything I've done. Truth is, I liked hurting her, I liked hurting girls. Not physically, never. More emotionally, I wanted to make them feel what I once felt. And since it was a girl that caused it, a girl would have to go through it. I wanted them to love me, the way I loved Lydia, and I wanted to break their hearts, just like she broke mine.

I made my way into a bar and took a seat, "16 shots of vodka please," I said,

"Coming up sir" the bar man replied.

The vodka burned my throat but her name hurts my head and I would rather black out with a hangover than stare blankly at my hands trying to remember what it felt like to touch her. "7 more" I fumbled, feeling the alcohol starting to take over.

I took seven shots of vodka and I was still sitting trying to forget her name, but mine was the only name I forgot and sober or drunk she's the only thing on my mind. "More!" I demanded, but instead of getting more shots, the bar man leaned over the bar and asked me a question, "why are you drinking so much sir, it doesn't taste nice at all does it, why do you drink?"

"You don't drink for the taste, truth is. Alcohol tastes like shit" I slurred,  "but when you're chugging down vodka at 1 in the morning because you miss her so much, you don't really give a shit about what it tastes like. Because for once you're finally thinking about something else besides her." I finished

"Is that why you drink?" He asked curiously. "To forget her?"

"See I was chugging down vodka to suppress the taste of her lips, but no matter how much I drank, I could not get rid of it, see kiddo if there's one thing I've ever learned in life, it's that you can drink too much to forget the night before but you can never drink too much to forget the people you've loved and lost"

"What happened with her" he asked me.

"She had me at a point where I would have left the entire world behind to be with her, but then she left, without a goodbye, without anything, out of no where. She left"

"And you still love her?"

"I can't imagine a single day I won't, and perhaps this is the reason I drink. You know if you drink enough vodka, it tastes like love" and with that I threw some notes at the bar man and stumbled out of the bar murmuring the words "I loved and I loved and I lost you"

With my mind spinning around in circles, and my feet making me trip over, I came to a conclusion that I possibly couldn't go home, or perhaps I didn't want to. I took out my phone and called Zara, she picked up almost in an instant. "Stiles, where the fuck have you been! I've been worried sick! Did you see all my calls, are you OK?" I could sense the fear and worry in her trembling voice but that didn't stop me from being blunt to her. "Yes I'm fine."
"Meet me at light wood park," I said after a pause. "Now."

She arrived in approximately 15 minutes, rushing out the car to come sit with me.
"Can we go somewhere else?" She said.
I wouldn't mind going anywhere, and I probably would have but I didn't. I decided to stay at the exact same spot till everything was said. "No!" I exclaimed, she was trembling now. And I think I was trembling too. I sat down on the bench and eyed the pretty ladies that walked past in their short skirts. She saw me. She was supposed to. But there was no reaction.
"This is what I look like when I'm pretending to be in love with you" I gazed at her lovingly, with my sweet brown eyes, and I looked like I meant it because it was supplied to be convincing. She looked at me with confusion. "Oh and wait hang on, this is what I look like when I'm pretending I even think your the tiniest bit good looking or smart just so that I can get laid later on" she was staring to catch on she looked dull.
"And this is me. Stiles Stilinski" I said "the guy that's never loved you" I threw my head back and laughed. She looked at me, with no pain in her eyes, no hurt. She looked at me innocently. I mean shouldn't she at least be crying?
"You think I'm joking right" I laughed. "I'm finishing this tonight, and there's nothing you can do about it. You'll sit there at watch me tear the u from the s. And you'll start to question yourself that how I could do this while you're still helplessly In love with me"
"Did you forget to put your makeup on today? You look ugly"
She heard what I said but was confused on how to react.
"Let me rephrase that. You're ugly"
Now things were getting fun. Her eyes widened, they glazed with water as she tried to glance away, but she couldn't hide it from me, I saw right through her.
"By the way I forgot to tell you I had sex with another girl" now things were really getting hot. I smiled at her as she looked at me through heavy eyes. "I'm guessing you've had enough?" There was no doubt about that. She nodded her head. She must have thought I was going easy on her. I knew she was sobbing on the inside. "Yes well even then I've done more bad things than just shag someone. But I don't know if I'd like to tell you, it would break you into pieces and I'm not sure whether I want that quite yet" she looked so shocked and hurt that there was no point continuing.
"Enough," she said, as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"Two years from now you're going to be chugging down the same amount of vodka to help you get the thoughts of me out of your head and you're going to try to focus on the random girls name that you don't remember, and when this happens I hope you run into the toilets splash your face with water and vomit up all this shit you've said to me and I hope you wish you'd never said it!" She paused then spoke again, "if you take her home then I hope that the moonlight will keep you awake all night no matter what time it is and you'll watch it spread across the bedroom floor where we played and laughed, where I told you I loved you. And I hope the light catches more attention than the naked girl lying next to you and I hope that when you look at her you think that her eyes don't shine half as bright as mine used to and how her arms rest delicately on your chest. I hope In all that time you miss me and I also hope that the moonlight is a constant reminder of the love you let slip away!" And with that she wiped her tears, got into her car and drove off.
                                                                                 ***
A while later I found myself Infront of our house, she'd kept the door open for me "this bitch hasn't taken me seriously" I murmured, I made my way over to our room and saw her lying in bed, I slipped in under the covers next to her and I could tell she was crying, I felt the vibrations off her body and heard her sniff every once in a while. I knew I'd hurt her. That was my intention, but I still hoped that she finds someone that doesn't make  her sad at night and someone that reminds her he loves her. I really hope she finds that because she deserves that. And with that thought I drifted off.

This chapter of the story includes some extracts from the book "diary of an oxygen thief" all rights reserved.