Built

January 26th, 2016

(Trigger warning in second paragraph: Anxiety & Panic Attacks)

I stare at the small scar on the tip of my finger. A burn. I was four years old. I look from my hands to the drink in front of me and take a sip. It was loud in here. Then again, it is a bar on Friday night. I look at the clock. 10:03 PM. He was a little late but he always is. I sigh and take another drink.
"Hey, Dakota, I'm sorry," he says, finally arriving. He sits down next to me and I shrug.
"You're always late, nerd," I say smiling. "It's alright. You working late again?"
"Yeah," he says, getting the bartender's attention and placing an order. He looks at me. "There was a breach in the security on the website."
"Mm," I hum, leaning on my hand. "But you got it under control like you always do, right?" I take another swig.
"Yeah, yeah, I did," he smiles at me and takes a drink from the cup that was just placed in front of him. I smile back and finish my drink, setting the empty cup on the counter.
"Then stop talking about it," I tell him, sitting up straight. "Work's over for the week, let's have fun, Noah." He chuckles and follows my lead over to the pool table. We play with strangers for a couple of hours, he orders a couple more drinks. We laugh and tell stories and joke and have fun. Then we start to leave and he walks me home like he does every Friday. It's our routine.
"Sunday morning wanna get brunch with Eric and Olivia?" He asks as we pass through the yellow light cast by street lamps. I shake my head.
"I hate Olivia."
"Why?"
"She's such a bitch," I smile.
"Hey now," he says laughing. "That was uncalled for. She's a very nice lady."
"Oh yeah?" I laugh. "Remember the time she freaked out on Joel for catching that drunk girl?" He laughs harder.
"You know what," he says in a sarcastic tone, laughing harder and slowing down as we reach the elevator of my apartment building. "I think she had her reasons."
"Yeah, if her reason is being psycho," I scoff. He hugs me and then gives me fist bump.
"I'll see ya later, okay Dakota?"
"Yeah, dude, I'll text you or something." I press the button in the elevator. He waves goodbye and I wave back. He begins walking away as the elevator shuts.

I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't breathe, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. My chest hurts so bad, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm hyperventilating and pacing around my bedroom now. I'm crying so hard and halfway screaming. It all hurts too much, I remember too much. I want to forget. I want to forget it all so bad. I loved them so much and I was so young and none of it was fair but life's not fair. I don't want my life. I want to be somebody else. My story isn't right. Somewhere along the line something got fucked up. And then I got fucked up. I know what it was but I don't. I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry until I wear myself out and lay on the floor. Only then do I fall asleep.