I should have loved you harder. There's this feeling sitting in my chest that's making it hard to breathe, and missing you is like background noise. It's like the music playing in resturants for people to hear when they are alone, or run out of things to say. It may not Always be loud, but it's there. It's my fault that you are gone, and I will never forgive myself for causing you to stop loving me. I should have grasped your hand tighter when we walked across the street, I should have kissed you longer before you said goodnight. I am sorry. I should have loved you harder, but now you are gone and you are trying to be happy. I'm sorry for ever making you feel neglected. I can't forgive myself. I know you don't look at my pictures anymore, you deleted me off your phone. And I can't stand the way our friends look at me because they know I can't forget you. I can't stand the way my grandmother rests her hand on my shoulder and tells me with that soft voice of hers that there are other people in the universe. In reality I want to shake her and scream that I don't want another boy whose laugh is diffrent, who holds my hand wrong. But I just smile and thank her. Now you're out of state and I don't know how youre doing because every time I try to call, my stomach churns. Your clothes are in my closet still, and that goddamn watch won't stop beeping. And the truth is I deserve this, it won't stop pounding in the back of my mind. And I hope you find what you're looking for. And I'm sorry. I should've loved you harder.
