A Peek Into My Mind

Do you ever?

Do you ever get that feeling that you're alone, in a room filled with people?
Do you ever want to scream at people that you aren't okay, but you put on a smile anyways.
You want someone to see that inside you're breaking; the light that was in your eyes as a child has slowly faded into darkness.
You want someone to tell you "no, you're not fine. And that's okay".
You want someone to just hold you while you fall apart in their arms.

Do you ever want to know how many people truly care about you?
How many people would care if I was just gone?
Does my existence mean anything to anyone?

Hear me out here: I know it does to at least a few people, I'm not suicidal.
I wouldn't even try to kill myself, I swear.
I just want to make some kind of difference in this fucked-up, piece-of-shit world.
I want to fix people,
I want to make sure that at least someone knows that if they know me, they'll never be alone.

Feeling like you're alone when you have people who care about you hurts a lot,
I know how horrible it feels.
It feels like you've reached your breaking point,
You overthink everything- every single word anyone has ever said to you.
You break down in quiet agony and pray to whatever is up there that you'll make it through somehow, that the person you're waiting for tries to talk to you soon.
You stare at your phone, checking it every other second, waiting for the other person to remember that you exist.
You reason with yourself:
They're busy.
They have something more important at the moment.
Then you rethink that thought:
Something more important.
Everything's more important than you.
Why would they even want to talk to you in the first place?
You have nothing good to offer anyways.
You overthink and overthink and overthink.
Now you're listening to music;
The sad songs you always listen to when you're like this.
"You only hear the lyrics when your heart begins to break".
You're singing along with tears streaming down your face.
You're cursing at the stars;
Why do I have to have this fucked up brain?
Why do I always have to overthink?
Why do I have to crave attention from that one person?

You crave their attention because they make you feel alive.
Without them, you're as dead as you were before you met them.
Without them, you fall apart at the drop of a hat.
You used to be stronger.
Now you just break.
Over and over again.

A.N. Hey. I felt like writing and I've been trying to figure out how to put all of these feelings into words for a while now. I think I did an okay job of it, but maybe it just makes sense to me. I'd love to hear your opinions on anything I've written. If you can relate to anything I've written, please let me know :)
Thanks for reading, hope you have an awesome day. :) <3