Ripped [TO BE PUBLISHED 2016]

18

The air was frigid, like so many of the people there. Black was everywhere. On people and in their hearts.

"And here lies Jonathon Dave Miller. Loving husband and father. He will never be forgotten." The preacher's voice was low and slow, sad and melancholy in a rehearsed way.

"Mom," I said, tugging at the hem of her dress. "Mommy."

"Aspen." She looked at me sternly, her eyes glistening with held back tears. But she wouldn't cry. She never cried. The ensemble of people bowed their heads as the man blessed them with the words of prayer, but my innocent eyes stayed searching.

I was old enough to understand death.

I was too young to understand suicide.

"Amen." The word was mumbled throughout the crowd before they dispersed into clumps. Even at funerals, people had to be categorized.

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"He was a great man."

"He never would have done it if it weren't for the medication."

"We'll be here if you need anything."

My mom gave them all fake smiles and sugary promises of, "Thank you. We'll be fine; of course. Yes, Johnny will be missed, but. Everything happens for a reason."

Soon enough, everyone left, bored enough with our lives and yearning to get back to their own. The frosted grass crunched under my purple knock-off Ugg boots, marking who I was and where I'd been, if only for a little while.

The car beeped loudly as my mom clicked the unlock button. It echoed eerily in the silence. We were all alone now.

Warm air started blowing in steady streams from the vents, calming my shivers and chattering teeth minutes after spending an hour in the cold.

My mom took her own freezing hands and wrapped them with my own. "Aspen. I'm going to need you to listen closely."

"Yes, mom."

"This...this is going to change everything. I'm gonna need you to take care of yourself. Like a big girl. Okay? Mommy can't always be around to take care of you anymore."

I nodded slowly. I thought I understood. Being big was a good thing. Something to look forward to. But. It wasn't. Not really. And I learned that all too soon.