The death list

Chapter 2

Walking through the wilderness, Jacob pondered his current situation. He was walking in an uttermost desolate and eerie forest, at a late hour of night, with a blobbish-purple alien. Nether less, being fairly normal compared to Jacob's rather peculiar antics, such as the occasion of him releasing his single, 'sweatshirt'. It had come to him in a dream, the dream sweatshirt told him "You must animate me badly, I will attack others and steal their sweat." and who was Jacob to argue with the great almighty sweatshirt? 

As the forest grew darker, a luminous glimpse of an object beamed from the distance. As they grew nearer, the light happened to be non other than the back of a slicked, back (with high concentrate of hair product) platinum-blonde head, possessed by a shortish-wimpy body. As the figure turned around, it happened to be the infamous git Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy was a women's hair dye model, appearing along side icons such as Susan Boyle and shrek. Jacob considered him his idol, always aspiring to be a women's hair dye model when he grew up, and passed the growth period of puberty, which was likely never going to happen with his current physique. 

As he admired the modelling superstar, infatuated by the supremely light shade of his hair colour, and how that amount of hair product could stay on his head without dripping down his face,  a young woman approached from behind Draco. As the figure neared, it was evident the woman had ghostly pale skin as if she were a vampire, with a rather vacant expression on her face, reminiscing a rather familiar cliché teen-fiction character, not that it was coincidental, at all...

"Blimey, is that you Bella Swan! Wait till my father hears about this!" Draco declared, with much enthusiasm. 

"Wait... who is Bella Swan, would a fly without wings be called a walk, did Adam and Eve have Navels, and most importantly... WHAT IS TOAST!" Jacob screeched in his rather deep voice, compared to his 5-year old body. 

"Well little youngling, I am the daft and completely irrelevant main lead who everyone hates who's life revolves around two psychotic mythical creatures who appear as teenage boys who I am also entirely dependant on yet some how seems to be a role model to some teenage girls, and in the end chooses a 100 year old man in the body of a teenage boy who is insanely creepy and could suck all the blood out of my body until I am lifeless, and whose relationship also shows all the signs of an abusive one." The deranged girl spoke, clearly blinded by the looks of Cedric Diggory which were utterly so important to her, adding to her already evident shallowness. 

"That sounds about right" Jacob shrugged, with something for once half-ly making sense to him.

As Jacob turned 90degrees, a random splurge of light came from the heavens, with non other than a sparkling figure.

"Sparkle sparkle, twinkle twinkle." Jacob chanted, possessed by the sparkles covered across Cedric Diggory.

"I'm, I'm hideous" The emo hufflepuff spoke in his messed up creepy British/Ukrainian accent.

Bella approached the insidious dignitary emo (also known as Edward Cullen), with a content yet dumfound look on her face (as usual), where Jacob, Draco, and tinky winky observed the encounter.

"You are not hideous, twinkle twinkle sparkle sparkle."

"You are like my personal heroine"

"You do not look like a pigeon, You are beautiful"

And so the conversation continued, until all were suddenly solemn, when a monstrous beast appeared from the shadows of the dark...

We hope our fandom of one person truly appreciates this chapter leaving on a cliff hanger!