the thoughts of essie bell

july 26, 2016

i want to be understood. my entire life i've been given suggestions on how i should go by life doing things and the entirety of the ideal behavior i should possess kills my soul. i just want to be free. i dont want to be bound to rules, expectations, desires, nonessential relations....anything. yet im all over the place, my newfound intimate relationship keeps me still. placid, tranquil, phlegmatic. u know how there is 3 states of matter all of which made up of molecules. im gas, all of my molecules are constantly active. i want to do what i want without limitations. i want to go the length of intervals according to my subjective interests. i dont want to explain who i am; i just want to be it and i want people to get it because as soon as i open my mouth, my speech is crafted by millions of uncorrelated thoughts i compress when my mouth is closed. in others words u wont get it. i cant explain myself because i dont know how. i just became who i am. i just became conscious to myself i cant continue to explore and verbally express my discoveries along the way. i know u dont get it. i barely dont get me. im just me. i just live and do stuff that my conscience compels me to execute. i am the human version of space. there is no beginning, no end just infinity. just nothingness. science dedicated its existence to learning an explanation to space and its components. it fails miserably and i dont feel sorry for them because u cant explain nothingness or the unknown. i am essence. the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something. hence the word something. something can be anything, many things, but its not one thing. essence, a property or group of properties of something without which it would exist or be what it is. a property of something. im a property of something thats bigger that me. something so abstract its like air. i guess im air.