MEH

I feel like meh. Yeah, you heard that right. I don't feel depressed or upset. I no longer wish to drown or choke or bleed. I just wish to be that one he sang about, the one that got away. But I'M NEVER REALLY AWAY, BUT I am. Does this not make sense? Why wouldn't it? I wrote this for you! You know the context. But then again why would it? Or why should it? Why do things have to make sense. I mumble and ramble and speak of things that are most likely not real or are most likely yet to be real and maybe half of me isn't real either but I want it to be and I want you to think it is and I want those things to be and I want you to think they are. These are the ramblings of someone who can't focus for a second yet ponders over days and you tell me you understand and I know you do but you don't but it's ok because I do and don't and we all do and don't and that's how the world is meant to be and I guess it's about time that I accept that and become fine with it. I mean what other options do I have? I can't really run away from the world, can I? And it's not like I can protest because I'm tired but I also wanna run you know? They say running is good for you, burns down the fat. But I feel like the only thing I'm burning away is time. Yeah. With each step I take my legs feel energized but my time feels worn out. How could it be healthy to be a wanderer yet run in place? That's my nightmare. And I'm dancing with my hands but I'm imprisoned with my mind. some times I get delusional and think it's all good but then I wake up with a frown. They say alcohol is bad for you and I guess they're right but they never told me how much waking up late or how much listening to the same song over and over again would hurt me or how staying up while everyone else has passed out is not a good idea. I can see the light, but I didn't think it was there-ever. But today I just stood up and it was and it was red and faint and I had to really take a second and I never knew it was there. I never knew you were there either, it's because you were't, oh well. I guess there's no such thing as a "there" because "there" for me is a constant not an absolute. The water smells funky and the food is bland. I always thought I wanted hugs but now I know all I needed was just my neon orange hoodie against my bare skin- but it's too hot for that type of clothing so I'll just wear double layers of t-shirts to get the same effect- but not really. Did you know that half of these are metaphors for you but then again half of these are just about random things that don't mean much but keep circling my mind. Is this deep? Is this good? I think it's all just meh. You would think I can't find a way to express myself but no, meh, is the word. Meh is exactly how I feel. It's how I feel when I wake up to tears or when I have a headache all day long or when nothing significant happens. Nothing significant ever happens. Perhaps you reading this is something significant or it is just something meh. Either way, am I confusing you? Good. I guess. This is supposed to be all over the place. The words are supposed to be out of place, because I am too.I realized jet-lag is real. It has to be. Why else do I sleep at 6:00AM and wake up at 5:00PM and still feel weak in the bones? I don't actually wanna sleep ever because there's so much I want to do but I wanna sleep right now because I don't have anything to do and I'd rather be unconscious than bored. What are you reading right now? Why are you even reading it? Well it's about time I wrote something like this. This is the most "me" a paragraph can get. This is the most unedited and real I can get. Confusing? I'm fine with that. But there must be someone out there who likes this. Someone out there who gets this. Or wants to get it. Or just likes to confuse themselves. I'm a little sick right now, but it's funny because I didn't intend to be. It just happened. Like most things in my life. Things in my life just happen. It's like I leave things on auto pilot you know? And I wake up in a new city every three days but I don;t even travel. I would like to but I wouldn't. I swear I had more to say, but the music I'm listening to stole my thoughts away. I guess there will be a meh part two someday. I hope there is.