Memory of Lips (#Wattys2016)

Run

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The wind caressed my cheeks and rushed past me, trees, buildings and people scudded by, and my feet pounded on the ground. My short blonde curls were up in a small bun, but a few tendrils had escaped and were tickling the spots under my ears. I felt the beads of perspiration pop up on my forehead, on my nose and in the folds above and under my chin. I kept my eyes straight ahead and kept running, letting the wind caress my skin.

I ran and ran and ran, my feet pounding hard against the ground, my ears warming up and tingeing a faint shade of crimson, the adrenaline surging through my body and coursing in my veins. This...was paradise. This – was what heaven must feel like. No worries, no stress, no tension. Not a fucking care in the world. Just staring and moving ahead.

I felt like I was on top of the world. My mind was completely blank – as blank as an empty bottle. No bugging thoughts, no persistently nagging questions, no worrisome fears. Just fresh air blowing past me, touching me softly and gently, as if I were a small child. I parted my lips and sucked in some of the air, and sighed in relief. This was what all the drugs in the world couldn't do. This was the real high.

But, all good things must come to an end. I had to stop for air too. Gasping and panting, I stopped and bent over, placing my palm on my chest and trying to catch my breath. And just like that, that very instant, all those worries and thoughts and fears rushed back, plaguing my mind.

We have to get to the bottom of this.

Yes, I had to get to the bottom of it. If I didn't, I'd go crazy thinking about all the possibilities. It was just too much for me to handle. Not knowing. I had to know. I couldn't lead a sane life without knowing. But, like everything else, knowing came at a price.

Are you saying I should seduce him? Get into his pants? Like some filthy whore or cheap slut?

I wasn't a filthy whore who just slept around. I had some principles. I didn't just get into the bed with some guy. Granted, I was using Nathan for sex, but still...Nathan was a decent guy. I had known Nathan for a while now. Even though we got off on the wrong foot, I still knew him. He wasn't a perfectly random stranger who I was getting it on with. My principles allowed that.

I'm not saying that. I'm saying you should do some sort of investigation.

But, then again, there was no good, morally upright way of investigating this matter. He was that kind of a guy. I wasn't that kind of a girl. I had to find out things about him. Personal things. Things he'd only tell people close to him, or confess to someone in a moment of weakness. The first one was out the window, because there was no way I was close to him. The second one, I'm afraid, involved me going against my principles and behaving like a classic whore.

So, I had a decision to make. I had to choose between not knowing for the rest of my life and behaving like a world class slut. The first one would drive me nuts, but the second one would be too much for my conscience. I couldn't decide. This was not a choice I wanted to make.

I had caught my breath by the time I was done replaying the conversation between me and Alex three days ago in my head. I had to run. Things had to be dealt with - big, scary things, but at that moment, I was going to run. I was going to run and be one with the...road? I didn't know. I just knew that when I ran, I felt the overwhelming adrenaline rush, and that simple physical feeling overrode all other emotional worries and feelings. So, I had to run, because I didn't want to deal with the giant, scary things right now.