Terminal

Closer

Closer
A few weeks have gone by and Josh and I have gotten even closer. Last night I invited him to to my aunt's Fourth of July party. "I'm not good around new people you know" We just pulled into the driveway and shut the car off. "My family is really friendly and outgoing. Just don't be an ass and they'll like you." We climb out of the car and I lead him through the porch to the backyard where a band had begun to play. My aunt greeted us as soon as we got onto the patio. "Hey sweetheart, who is this?" she asks. "This is my friend Josh" I introduced them before going to the cooler to grab a drink. "Want a beer or anything?" I ask "No thank you" Before I know it, a pair of hands spins me around and hugs me. I look up and see my cousin Connor who I haven't seen in quite some time due to his new job; repairing military vehicles. "How have you been?" He asks glad to see me. "I'm doing well, you?" I ask "I've been good. How has your treatment been?" I give him a look to stop talking about it "It's been good, really good" "That's great. Anyway, we're uh about to have a kickball game do you and your friend want to play?" He offers. "Josh will play. But I can't" He makes a pouty face "Fine" I roll my eyes as he walks off to the front yard. Every year, we have a family kickball game. But this is the first year I can't play. "Why can't you play?" Josh asks unknowing. "My doctor doesn't want me doing any physical activities for a while" I lie easily. But it hurt to lie to him. I didn't like it at all but it was necessary. "And why did you say I would play?" he says with a smile playing on his lips. "Because I want to see you run" I giggle and take him by his hand, leading him to the front to face the guys of my family. "I can't believe I'm doing this" I smirk as I push him into the line of people waiting to be picked for teams. "Hey" I turn to my left and see my cousin Kaitlin. "Hey!" I wrap my arms around her for a hug. "How've you been?" she asks. "Pretty okay actually" I answer honestly. Kaitlin and I were so close growing up she was like a sister to me. "Treatments are okay?" She asks hopefully. "They've been going great. My doctor thinks I'll make a full recovery and be able to dance again" I say excitedly. The look on her face was just precious. She was always my biggest fan at my dance recitals. More than my mom actually. "That's just great! I'm so happy for you. On to another important conversation, who is that boy you're with?" She asks, with a slight smirk. "That's Josh. I'm totally in love with him but we're not together yet" She waggles her eyebrows at me. "How old is he?" "Twenty eight" I sip my soda and watch her eyes change. "Liv, he's six years older than you" "I understand. But he treats me right, he's not immature to a point I can't handle, he'd do anything for me, and I just really love him" She nods her head "Understandable. I mean I am married to someone eight years older than me so" Kaitlin met the love of her life while she was working. He left his number for her on the table she was waitressing. "Exactly"

"That was intense" Josh says, before sipping a water bottle I had gotten him. "They usually are. Did Jason peg a little kid?" I ask, already knowing the answer. Jason didn't mess around when it came to sports. "Right in the back of the head" I roll my eyes and smile at him. He had a slight coating of sweat on his forehead. His breathing was heavier than normal and he was anxious. "What's wrong?" I ask, resting my hand on his knee. "I'm just tired from the game" I give him a look before asking again "I know something is bothering you" He takes a slow breath "Okay, I just really want to impress your family and I don't think I fit in. Your whole family is athletic and here I am, playing the drums for fun while they're riding dirt bikes" I give him a small smile "They like you. If they haven't confronted you by now, you're fine" A few minutes go by of just sitting there so he can catch his breath. "Olivia!" I turn around and see my younger cousin Tanner. "Hey buddy" I pick him up and set him on my lap. "How are you?" I ask him. "Good. I just got off the waterslide" he said proudly "That's s cool!" I say happily. "Tanner can you say hi to my friend Josh?" I point to the man with red hair. "Hi Josh" Tanner says quietly. "Josh, this is my boyfriend Tanner" I tell Josh. "Oh, how long have you two been together?" he asks with a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Five years" I say, with a smile on my face "How old are you Tanner?" he asks "Five" Josh can't help but laugh when he hears that. "Well I'm very happy for you two"

Later that night, most of the little kids have gone home or are passed out in the living room. I was currently sitting on Josh's lap as we sat around the fire with a few members of my large family. Kaitlin was with her husband talking quietly; my other cousin Chris was roasting marshmallows with his new girlfriend. I lean my head against Josh's chest feeling my eyes get heavy. He wraps his arms securely around me making me feel safer than ever. I clutch his shirt in my fist out of habit and let my eyes close, not wanting to leave this position. "Hey" Josh's low voice was in my ear. "Do you want to leave?" I slowly nod my head against his warm chest before sitting up. "Alright guys, we're going to head out" I say in a raspy voice. "Alright, see you guys another time" I stand up and wait for Josh. When he stands up, he wraps his arm around my shoulders and walks me out to the front driveway. "Are you okay?" He asks, squeezing my arm gently. "Yeah why?" I ask as we walk down the dark driveway to his truck. "Just making sure" My heart swells when he says that. No one has ever asked me if I was okay just to ask. We get to his truck and he helps me into the passenger seat. I sit in silence for a few moments as he walks around the truck to his side. He climbs in and starts the truck. "Can you stay over?" I ask quietly, almost embarrassed to ask. "Yeah of course. Is there a reason though?" he asks, resting his hand on the center console. I take his hand and link our fingers. "My family went to a different party and probably won't be home until late and I don't like being alone, but I hate falling asleep alone in the house" "Of course I'll stay with you. Anytime you need me because you're scared or just because you want to hear my voice in person, I'll be there"

Back at my house, there were absolutely no lights on. We walk up to the door and I unlock it and walk inside with Josh trailing behind. I quickly lock the door and flip the light on. "I'm so tired" I say as I walk to the kitchen for a water bottle. "Do you want one?" I hold one up to Josh. "No thank you" I close the refrigerator and walk back over to Josh. "Ready to go upstairs?" I offer. He nods his head before following me up my wooden steps. We enter my room and I drop my water bottle on my bed. "I'm going to change in the bathroom. Do you need any clothes?" I ask "No I'm fine" I nod my head before grabbing some clothes out of my dresser and walk to my bathroom. I set them on the counter before undressing. I drop my clothes in the hamper and redress in my clean night outfit. I look at myself in my mirror before getting the all too familiar feeling of choking. I grip the edge of the sink counter and focus on my breathing. 'This isn't real. You're not choking' I try to tell myself. I start to sweat and evil thoughts cloud my mind. My chest tightens and I feel like I can't breathe. I gasp for air and grip the sink tighter. My vision gets shaky and my breath is short and quick. I drop to the floor and sit on all fours hanging my head trying to get air into my lungs. My heart pounds against my ribcage and I squeeze my eyes shut to focus. "Olivia!" I hear Josh's voice but it sounds like we're underwater. "Olivia listen to me, you're okay. Just breathe, this isn't real. Focus on my voice" I shake my head violently trying to get rid of this feeling. I take a hand and claw at my neck. "Stop. You're okay, I promise. Just listen to my voice. You're okay. Take long, slow breaths" I feel his soothing hand on my clammy back, rubbing circles. I listen to him and just breathe slowly. My vision comes back and before I know it, Josh has me in his lap. "You're okay, I promise" I can't help the tears from falling as I lean into his chest. "You're okay. I won't let anything happen to you" He rubs my back and rocks us back forth. I pick my head up and wipe my tears away, taking shaky breaths. "I hate that" I shake my head "Hate what?" He asks, turning to look at me. "Looking so vulnerable in front of you" He moves my hair out of my face. "Listen to me. I am here for you through the good and the bad, nothing is going to change that. Whether you have panic attacks everyday or every month. I'm still going to be here for you. I can promise that"