Chapter 15: Letting Go
*if you haven’t noticed, all my chapter names start with ‘a’ or ‘an’. The fact that this one does not means it’s a special chappie ;)
Melanie
I walk into Mariah’s house, on account that her door is unlocked. It annoys the fuck outta me when she does that, it’s not safe! She comes from out of the kitchen. “Hey girl! What’d you wanna talk about?”
I follow her to her dining room and take a seat at the table, throwing my purse on the ground. I put my head down on the wood. Dear God (I say that a lot, don’t I?) it’s a lot. “Life.”
She chuckles and sits down too. “What about it? What did Roc do now?”
I sit back up and rest my head on my hand. “Chresanto didn’t do anything wrong, to be honest. It’s not him that’s the problem, it’s me.”
“Ok, what’d you do now.”
“Well- you already know I have major trust issues.” Mariah knows a lil bit, but she doesn’t necessarily know any details about my father or the others.
“Yep.”
“And when Chris proposed to me I didn’t say no- because I love him and I guess marriage is something-“
“WAIT. WHAT.” She yells, interrupting me mid-sentence.
“What???” I reply.
“HE PROPOSED???”
“Didn’t I tell you??”
“NO!!! MEL!!!”
“I’m sorry I’m sorry! A lot has been going on the past few-“
“THAT’S NO EXCUSE. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’RE FREAKING ENGAGED AND YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME!” She squeals.
“I’m sorry, ok? But yea. He did.”
“Holy shit. But didn’t ya’ll just start going out?”
“Well- I mean it’s complicated. We technically just got back together. It’s not like a rushed thing, because we’ve known each other for years.”
She fans herself. “I mean… holy shit. You’re gonna marry Roc Royal from mindless behavior.”
“Well that’s a might. If you let me finish my story.”
“Ok, ok. Continue.”
“Like I said, I accepted it, because marriage is something that I’m a little okay to do with him because I love him enough to do it. This is what I’m sure of.”
“So what’s the issue?”
“The issue is,” I sigh. “I can’t let the past fucking go. I’m trying so hard to just forget about it and just trust him and stop pushing him away because in the back of my head, I know that I do. But I can’t. I have no idea why. I mean,” I hold my head in my hands out of frustration. I love him so much, so why can’t I do it? “Jesus Christ. It’s like as soon as we get closer I push him farther away. And I just don’t know why.” I find myself choking up. Lawd. I’m not even a crier, but the emotions that man can make me feel are strong as fuck.
“Ok. I understand what you mean.”
“Yea, and it’s killing him. He knows that he doesn’t have all of me and I can see the constant disappointment in his eyes. I wanna give him what he wants, my full love and trust and commitment, but I’m struggling. And I don’t want to. Plus he keeps going lighting fast with all this marriage stuff. It feels like he just proposed and now I’ve quit my job and he wants to start packing up my house and start planning the wedding and I’m just like,” I throw my hands up in a wtf pose.
